autumn twilight
… where the water meets the sea, between the worlds, within the void …autumn twilight
… where the water meets the sea, between the worlds, within the void …Truth and Acceptance
We are none of us the people others see.
We are all a collection of visages,
shapes and patterns placed upon us,
expectations of personage.
What is true, core,
is the mind alone. Our birth
and death. Our loves and lives.
these are maya.
exploring my stupid side
At the risk of letting my arrogance show, I’m a smart guy. I always have been. In my family, it’s just kind of expected. As a child, I made a very big deal about being smart. It seemed the most important thing in the world to me, and I held my intelligence over all of my supposed peers. Obviously, I had a rather bad childhood partly because of my disdain for anyone I felt wasn’t in my intellectual class.
The point here is not that I was an arrogant bastard as a child, or even that I still am on occasion. The point is that even to this day I generally behave intelligently. It’s one of my oldest patterns and I rely on it a great deal. I enter into every conversation from a point of intellectual query or debate. I weigh the various arguments and question the assumptions of those I’m talking with.
But more and more, I find that I don’t have to be brainy all the time. There’s nothing wrong with indulging in sincere grumpiness in the morning, or getting slap-happy and stupid when I’m tired. And as I become more and more adept at being a social person (I wasn’t for most of my life), I realize that relaxing into my mood and being human about it is one of the things that makes for positive relationships.
So don’t look at me funny when I get excited about smurfs or midgets, or start clapping my feet and barking like a seal. I’m just exploring my stupid side
weary, but not sleepy: tired of being found wanting.
Unsurprisingly, I’m far too busy this week. My one free evening is Friday (how does that work?). Other than Friday I don’t have an evening without some sort of social committment until Tuesday of next week.
I love the holidays, but I think next year I’m going to withold some time for myself. This year is kind of insane.
The cat is fighting with a pile of old clothing that will get donated sometime in the next couple weeks. And trying to eat a neck pillow that I don’t even recall owning. It’s not snowing now, but it has been off and on since this morning, and it appears like it will continue doing so until Friday.
I can’t express how weary I am. I’m exhausted. I’m ready to collapse into bed, but I’m not really tired at all. My body wants rest, but my mind is plenty active. I’ve got conversations going on in my head on a loop. All the shadows and challenges in my life are just hovering in my consciousness now. Ah, the wonders of Goetic magic. I am not sad or upset by this, but I must admit it’s frustrating. I’d like nothing more than to just ignore them for a while, but they keep pestering me, poking at me.
It’s all a man can do to stay relatively sane and keep juggling the craziness that is life.
I’m not displeased though. I’m confident in my ability to balance and juggle these things. I freak out a little now and then, but in the whole I’ve got it under control. And the choice is my own. It’s my path, and I am the sole meaningful judge of my progress.
That’s one of the shadows that I’m fighting with. I’ve spent most of my life relying on other people to validate me. I’ve been seeking approval and praise and confirmation for so long that it’s hard to move away from that model, even knowing that it’s bad for me as a magician and spiritual leader. It’s even more difficult, because I feel at times that some people in my life are fighting against that change in consciousness. Some of my magical teachers seem to dislike the fact that I’m doing my best to take their advice and opinion as just that, instead of the sanctified pathway to their approval.
The feelings and opinions of those important to me, like my teachers, matter a great deal. I have no intention of forgetting them or ceasing to value them. But I will not let their judgments of my progress or path define or control me. If I am satisfied with my life and my progress their dissatisfaction is meaningless. If turning away from their demands and strictures closes some doors for me, so be it. I will not be subject to the whims or perceptions of others, no matter how much authority they wield.
When my priorities and universal conspiracy are clear
I’m supposed to spend a couple hours doing conjurations of a demon tonight. I was looking forward to it, and had planned how I would get all my myriad responsibilities handled so everything could get the attention it deserved.
At about 4:15 I started clearing out all the work that was still undone. Responded to all my emails and made my task list for tomorrow. at 4:30 I was beginning to pack up so I could leave. At 4:31 work exploded. I got a major issue in my inbox that had to be dealt with today. I looked at it for a few minutes and realized there wouldn’t be a simple work-around. I had to fix it, and I had to fix it today.
I looked at the time. I can handle this I said. If I focus I can get this fixed and ready for production by 5:00 and still make it to Target, and then home, and then to my teacher’s in time. I got to work. No sooner than I had begun did I begin getting interrupted. Four or five emails from my CTO blazed into my inbox needing immediate review and response. Our Support/Quality manager was calling my name from the next row of desks. All told, another 2 hours of work or so was now on my desk. I really wish stuff like this would happen in the morning so it doesn’t mess up carefully scheduled tasks.
Anyway I made a very important decision. My job is more important than conjuring demons, and I released the very real conflict that was inside of me. I opened up gmail and fired a quick email to my teacher with a promise to call him up later to verify he knew that I was cancelling on him, and reschedule as soon as possible. I got back to work and addressed the original email. I resolved it and left the office at 5:00 to head to Target, with the intent of addressing the rest of the issues from home. I’m now on the train home, having achieved my mission and completed my holiday shopping (less one gift, which won’t be bought until next week, but it won’t be delivered until after the new year either way).
It’s 5:52, and I think I am going to be able to uncancel on my teacher. The issues are all handled well enough for the night, and unless my blackberry starts freaking out once I get out of the tunnel, I will have plenty of time to get home, get things ready, and get to my teacher’s in time. Possibly without even being late.
The point of all this, is that for all intents and purposes, there should be no way for me to make this session tonight. All the factors are against me. It’s the holiday season, which is bad for schedules to begin with. I have more work than I can easily handle during a full week, and both this week and next will be 4 short-ish days. And yet, after deciding that my study is a priority equivalent with my job, and putting my mind to work on being able to not cancel, a lot of things fell into place.
In short, my experience this evening is a demonstration of one of the most fundamental points of my philosophy.
The universe conspires to help us.
When we align ourselves with our goals and needs, and lean into the wind, the way is often cleared for us. Sure I’m going to be up late working tonight so that I can resolve these issues before going in tomorrow. But I’ll manage to make both my work and my study priorities and balance them around my needs, to care for myself and my loved ones, and to further my own knowledge and experience towards self-improvement and the welfare of my larger community.
All that, and I’ve even managed to write a blog post. Now if only I’d made it to the gym… Maybe I can practice a couple of karate katas before heading out…
It’s cold outside:
Really really cold. Sub-Zero cold. I’m tempted to work from home tomorrow cause I really don’t want to go out in this weather.
Today has been a day of quiet. I did laundry and watched charmed. John and George are in the kitchen making a stew and mulled wine. Elizabeth is at Jewel, bless her heart. It takes a lot of stones to leave in this weather.
I’m working very hard to become a competent web developer, and after months of tinkering I’m finally beginning to have some success with it. There are so many moving parts, it’s just so hard to get a handle on all of it.
On another new front, I’m going to add my latest tweets to the sidebar. Very exciting.
And now, a poem.
Who are you that wishes me gone?
Who are you that hungers for love?
Who are you, the truth, the light, the flame?
Who are you who sings his songs and writes his stories?
What muse or god has gifted you, and from where have you come?
Why visit when the world is wrapped in stillness and the night so cold?
How hungry is my heart that I would embrace you, shadow-lover?
Nay! Not this night fond dreamer. Nor the next.
Your dreams are filled with me, but mine are still of sight.