He sits cross-legged on the floor in the center of the little room. His skin is bare to the purified air except for a pool of cotton around his waist. The only light radiates from a small sphere that sits on a low table before him. The light is flowing gradually from one color to another. White, red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet, then white again. The illumination is like liquid, sliding over the floor and walls, easing up the young mans still form and pouring down the legs of the table to the floor.
As he concentrates, the orb begins rise from the table, steadily levitating until it is above his head, showering it’s light upon his pale scalp. Gregory flexes his mental effort slightly and the light brightens to the warm glow of a setting sun. He focuses for a moment and fixes the orb where it rests, hovering in the air near the ceiling and uncrosses his legs. He rolls up onto the balls of his feet and the pool of fabric slides down his legs, leaving only his toes and heels exposed. He moves the table into the corner and returns to the center of the room, almost missing the presence of a man standing in the dark of the next room, just out of the lights glow.
“Who’s there?” He asks, wondering why anyone would be here at this time of night. Nothing he was doing was anything they hadn’t seen him do and studied for months already. There was no reason for them to be surprised.
“It’s me.” Jared says, his voice soft as he steps into the light. Gregory pauses for a moment when he sees the young orderly. Not wearing his white uniform, but dressed all in black. The fabric was tight to his torso, it’s sleeves ending about four inches above the wrist, where a silver band circles his right wrist. His black hair braided tightly and pulled up behind his head. Gregory has a momentarily chaotic vision of the other mans body pressed against his, skin sliding together, generating heat through friction and exertion.
Jared’s expression quirks for a moment, arching an eyebrow. He blinks and seems to refocus. “If you want to leave we have to go now. I can’t stay after tonight.”
“What? Why? What’s going on?”
“We don’t have time for all your questions Gregory. I don’t know that we have time to be talking here. You need to trust me.”
“Why should I trust you?”
“Because,” he smiles and extends his hand, “you aren’t alone in the world.” His hand opens and above the palm a purple flame springs to life, dancing in the air, shooting sparks up towards the glowing orb that still hovers near the ceiling.
I am not human. Not truly. Not in the ways that actually matter. I suppose what matters is actually rather subjective. The body I posess looks human enough. I have twenty digits. Two eyes. Two arms. Two legs. A head. A penis.
My organs are human, if somewhat oddly functioning. My heart beats about ten times each minute during strenuous activity. While asleep it is far less. I have never been ill. I have never had an infection.
They tell me that my genetic material is unusual, that it is not human. How different they do not say. I only know that I can do things that my parents couldn’t, that nobody human could.
I have felt different for nearly a decade now, ever since my parents brought their holy child to the Doctor to show him what I could do.
I moved my fingers and swirled the coffee in the doctors cup. I used to do it to amuse my baby sister. I’d sprinkle some pepper into the water and swirl it around until a miniature tornado moved inside the glass.
I have not seen my parents or sister since.
They tell me that I am not human. I have always believed them, but now I doubt. What is it that defines a human? Is it our bodies? Our genes? Our soul?
I feel human. My heart hurts for the parents that I will never see again. I am lonely, and I will never have anyone to love, because I will never be allowed to leave this place. I long for the life I might have had, although I can hardly imagine it. If I could, I would leave this place, with it’s pale orange walls and sterile floors. But I will never be able to do so.
I will stay here until I die, unless Jared keeps his promise to me…
It’s a little past 11. I should be on my way to bed but I’m not really tired. I’ll get there eventually. I spent most of the day at work trying to wrangle a misbehaving server into functionality. No luck yet. We’re going to try rebooting and possibly reinstalling some components tomorrow morning. Hopefully that will resolve the issues. If not I’m going to be very very stabby.
I’m in kind of an odd mood. I’m working through some shadows tonight. The moon is barely waning and already I am getting depressed. I’m not sleeping so well either. The next two weeks promise to be challenging. Which is good, but also hateful.
I wonder if it’s always this hard to reconcile self-perception with the perceptions that people have of you. The person I am can only be self-defined. If I am to have personal strength I can not let myself be defined by the people around me. I can not let ascribed motivations supersede actual motivations. Self-definition, self-awareness is the core of individuation.
I think I see a hole that a lot of magicians before me have stumble into. It has me caught because I haven’t found a way around it yet. Must everything be a tight-rope walk? It would be really easy for me to isolate my perception of self and deny the veracity of perceptions given to me by others. In the core of things, this must be the goal. Nobody else has the right or power to define or constrain the person I am.
But I have no desire to be alone in my life. I have no desire to estrange those few people close to my heart, and their feelings and thoughts are valuable to me. It’s hard to tell someone you love that you aren’t the person they think you are. Or that you aren’t acting from the motivations they place upon you.
It’s harder to try and take criticism or observation at face value and try to reconcile it with self-perception and memory. All perception is valid, even the perceptions of others. But what about perceptions that don’t reconcile, or don’t appear to reconcile in magnitude?
There’s no easy fix. I have to take what I’m given at face value and evaluate it’s place in my self-perception. How to change those perceptions that are inaccurate though? If someone brings something to my attention that is accurate it’s important to learn to observe it. That’s tricky but it is a matter of self-awareness.
But how do you change the perceptions of others that are inaccurate, and stem from their conceptual model of the person you are? I suppose people have been struggling with this since before the dawn of time. It’s hard to get a sexist to see an actual person behind the gender-identity they’ve assigned them. It’s equally hard to get a racist to see through the race-identity they expect.
Is it more difficult on a personal level? People create behavioral and identity models in their heads of all the people they meet. They use those models to interpret how you will react and how they should treat you. The accuracy of those models depends on the persons skill at creating them, the prejudices or blind spots that are in effect, and the rate at which the person they are modeling changes hir behavior. How can you break out of the models that people are placing on you gently? How can you be respectful and sincere, yet still let people know that they have some flaws in their model, or at least some dated components?
Heart pounding, he grunts in effort and throws his body to one side. Hands squeeze tightly on the bars as sweat drips into his eyes. The light is too bright and it pounds numbingly into his brain. He drops his legs through the bars and up the other side, extending his arms fully and reaching for that poised spot. The blood rushes to his head and he eases his balance over, lowering himself slowly until he is bent double before shoving himself back into the air, releasing his hands and dropping to the mat, where he promptly collapses.
–
“I’m fine, Mom. Really, just take me home.” Jaysen pleads. Jacqueline, pale hair glowing sunlight, glances at the EMT behind her son. When he nods she returns the motion and presses her lips tightly together.
“Come on then Jaysen. Lets go.” Jaysen says goodbye to his coach and teammates as his mother picks up his bag and stands impatiently by the door. He looks longingly back at the gymnasium where the competition continues without him. Rubbing his temple he puts his sunglasses on as they walk through the sunlit hallway towards the parking lot, trailing after his mother.
He’d never missed a landing before. He’d never even fallen before, not accidentally. His eyes hurt, even behind the dark glasses the sun seemed to burn through them, piercing his head painfully. He gets in the passenger seat and keeps his eyes closed for most of the drive home.
“I told you I didn’t think Gymnastics was a good idea. I told you you’d get hurt.” His mother said when they were at home. “You had to do it though. Just had to be special.”
“I didn’t fall because of gymnastics Mom, I had some sort of freak headache.”
“Stress is what did it!” She was ramping up into hysterics, Jaysen had seen it a dozen times before. “The paramedic says your blood pressure probably spiked and caused you to black out.”
“They don’t know that Mom, it’s just a guess. I’m fine, I just need to take some Tylenol and I’ll be good as new, you’ll see.”
“I will not see. You’re going to the Doctor tomorrow, and you’re not going back to gymnastics. And that’s final.”
Jaysen, knowing better than to try and argue with her when she was like this, just hurries out of the room. He dumps Three Tylenol into his hand and swallows them with a chug of water from the bathroom sink, then hurries to his bedroom, leaving his mother fuming in the kitchen.
—
After her son has gone upstairs Jacqueline calms down quickly. She takes a deep breath and goes into the bathroom. She rubs her right arm and pulls up the sleeve. A small pink birth-mark is situated right over the vein about halfway up her forearm, shaped like a fat little ‘s’. She frowns and leans in towards the mirror, turning on the higher powered lights. She blinks her eyes a few times and looks at her eyes. The pale gray is shot through with white lines, bursting from the tiny pupil and bisecting a halo of the deepest black that lines the disk. She takes some Tylenol herself, sighing in sadness before getting up to make dinner.
I emerge from the box, wrapping the cloak around me tightly, my bare feet sinking into the cold slush on the black ground. There is a bright light streaming down from a little above me, coming out of some boxlike thing attached to the outside of the building. There is much more light in the main causeway, but the sounds and feelings of the spirits have left. It is deserted.
I walk out of the small pathway, my feet pushing through the snow, as though they were questing for the cool earth beneath, but encountered only the strange black paving. There are more lights here, of all shapes and colors. The light is dazzling to my eyes. Not as harsh or bright as the cruel sun of this place, but disorienting. The light comes from everywhere, but doesn’t seem to illuminate much at all. The black street is mostly free of snow, as if it cleared itself, or as if the snow could not last upon it.
I look up to the sky, and there are no clouds, but there are also no stars. The buildings rise all around me, but I can see the sky. There are no stars. I shudder against the thought. Where do these spirits find inspiration? Where do they gaze when waiting for Her to communicate with them? I pull the hood of the cloak over my head and begin to walk North, through the city. There is nobody present, only a stillness as eerie as the place itself. Before crossing I had sensed the abundance of spirits here. But now, almost none at all. Those spirits that I could feel around me were in buildings, moving slowly. None of them with the power that I had come looking for. I could feel power under the black streets though, sleeping deep within the earth. There were spots, north, where it spiked up, reaching to the surface before moving deeply beneath it again.
I walked toward those. Surely, if there were spirits of power here, they would be near the power. Quietly, I set off towards them.