On the el home from work. This week is dragging even more than the rest of the month is. It feels like it should be over already. If that weren’t enough I’ve got a crazy-painful crick in my neck that just doesn’t want to go away.

I’m wondering what’s in store for me in the next few weeks. I’m actually anticipating it. I don’t know what it is, but there is a positivity to the air that is pretty much incontrovertible. I can feel it waiting. I’m trying to prepare myself for it. Working on remembering and recording my dreams. On being more conscious throughout the day. The omens keep pointing at good things, at achievements. The tasks I was assigned are coming more quickly than I thought they would. I believe I have achieved one of them already. The other two are still ambiguous, but I have some ideas about what they are.

I have this feeling that I’m standing at a turning point every day right now. The choices that I make will make or break me for a while to come. I’m trying to make the right ones, and I don’t know that I am, but I’m doing the best I can. The spirits are helping, in their way. I may not be happy about their methods, but I don’t respond well to more gentle suggestions.

I’m noticing something interesting about what’s going on though. I’m not planning overmuch. I’m not being obsessive about how I’m going to do things or where they’re going to get me. I’m focusing on what I want and need right now, and releasing expectations of tomorrow. I have some plans, but they’re general, loose, and flexible. I don’t really feel afraid of what’s coming in the next few months or years. Normally, if I had all the shit that has happened in the last two weeks happen I’d be freaking out. I’d be filled with anxiety and practically paralyzed with it. But I’m not. I’m simply accepting what’s happened and moving on.

I’m not sure why I’m reacting differently. But I feel different about it all. I’m looking at how I’m interacting with the people around me, with my family. I’m spending less time as patriarch or leader, and more time as a friend and equal. I don’t know how anyone else feels about that, but it feels good to me. It feels organic, real.

I’m also trying to be a lot more genuine. I’m trying to laugh when I’m amused, and frown when I’m sad. I’m trying not to feign emotions that aren’t there just to give a reaction to the people around me. I’m trying to be genuine about my experiences, and figure out all of my reactions.

Strangely enough, this is all work that I’ve done in Mystery School. These are things that I’ve seen before, but I’ve always felt distant from them. I’m not 100% certain if it’s that I wasn’t ready for this, or if it’s that the structure I was given to put these things in simply felt hideously restrictive to me.

I’m changing more in weeks than I have in years. Maybe not my behaviors, but my processes. I’ve rearranged my room so that it no longer cowers but welcomes. I’m going to put some more energy towards that tonight I think. I’ve always been conscious of the idea that my living space reflects my life. It’s something that I’ve used as a way of helping things along one way or another for years now. Looking at my room today it feels messy. It feels a little jumbled. But it also feels lived in. It feels as though my life is actually alive. Perhaps I’m being dramatic, but it feels like I’ve got a chance at something new here, and I don’t want to fuck that up.

I may get up tomorrow and feel differently, but right now, It’s about the stories I’m meant to tell.

I’m incredibly horny right now. I’ve been feeling sexual all week, and after tonight I don’t know how I’ve survived. I’ve had two mind-blowing ejaculations in less than 24 hours. They haven’t sated me, only made me more needy. FireDance tonight, which means sex to the Brotherhood. It means love and the sharing of that love. I’ve been sensually/erotically charged since Bealtaine a couple weeks ago. Tonight just seems to be the capstone of it. More than 30 gay pagans, many of whom are just incredibly scrumptious, dancing and singing, and spinning around the maypole. How could I not be horny?

Frank and John are probably still being frisky, I can’t imagine that they’d be done so soon. Me jealous? Don’t be silly. I’m happy for people who are sharing their beds tonight. It’s the season to do so. I’m happy for the men in the world who will wake up tomorrow with an ache in their body that they know is from sex, or with bite marks and bruises, or scratch marks, or spots where the rope rubbed too much. Mmmm rope. I am happy for them, but I can’t help being lonely for me. Sex is nice, but I don’t even care so much about what most americans call sex (i.e. intercourse of some variety). I just want someone to touch. Someone to touch me. There is a beautiful power in the magic of sensuality. In closeness and fondness and appreciation.

Love, at it’s most base, is the most simple thing there is. It is a connection between two things. Not in the way of things touching, or being bound, but a genuine connection. And it can be found in many ways and places. True love, is nothing more than a sincere and profound sense of connection. Love does not demand anything of the person being loved. It is simple. We mix it with other things. With lust and passion and sex and fire and desire and hate and needs and illusions. But the love itself is simple. Sex is the physical representation of that love, and at it’s most base is a violent act. Sex is the attempt to actualize the connection of love. To violate, intrude, or penetrate the exterior of a person and join with them. Though we may cover it in gentle things, sex is fundamentally violent.

I’m beginning to ramble. Time for bed.

It’s been several days since I posted. It’s getting late in the evening and I feel like I should have a lot to say. I think I have a lot to write. It feels like I’m congested. I have so much to say that I can’t pick a topic and let one thing come out.

I’m thinking about so many things at once that I don’t know where to start. Whenever someone has something to say, the appropriate advice to give is always to start at the beginning. But my mind is a gordian knot, no beginning or end in sight, just a mass of twisting interwoven threads that seem to cling to one another and resist all separation.

I’ve been spending some time in my head and on the computer beginning to build a Content Management System in PHP and mySQL. Why? Because I want to. Because I want to get a bunch of experience with php and mySQL and building a rock-solid simple CMS is a good way to do that. I might build one for rails and c# as well.

The database structure is kind of pretty. Although I have trouble with the concept of small. I’ve already written 34 create table statements for it. I’m pretty certain that that’s a decent set of tables for most of the essential stuff. But there will certainly be things that I overlooked. I’m probably looking at about 50 tables or more for my simple basic CMS.

Exciting. I’m trying to change the person I present myself to the world as. It’s not easy. The difficulty is that the person I’d like to present is introverted so he’s not easy to present in the first place. He’s also easily intimidated. He doesn’t stand up for himself or display authority. He’s an elitist, but sees himself as only an egg. On the other hand, I’ve built up this ego around myself that is almost none of those things. He’s confident, extroverted, and speaks with authority. He doesn’t back down on things of value and will stand up for himself whenever he needs to.

The problem is that he isn’t very real. He’s just a shell, a superficial husk that is containing me. Is it possible to let him die without losing some of the good things he’s worked for? Can I learn to portray myself confidently without the cool detachment he’s cultivated? Can I risk showing my heart to the world knowing that it could be abused?

These are questions that lots of people ask themselves, either consciously or unconsciously. How can I open up to people? they ask. Nobody really has the answers. It’s a game of patience and trial. You open up piece by piece. You say that you’re going to tell one person a little more about the real you. You start by telling yourself.

I realize that I’m not very different from everyone else who goes through this crisis, but I can’t help but feel different. Anyone searching for themselves knows that their situation is unique. There is nobody in the world who has this exactly the same way I do, so there is only so much advice I can get from the people around me. I think one of the things that really scares me is my submissive nature.

I like to submit. I like to let someone else take over and make the choices. I like relinquishing authority, and there is part of me that thinks if I let all of myself come to the surface, I will simply relinquish authority to anyone who asks it of me. And I don’t know that I won’t. It’s definitely the pattern that I followed as a child. All authority figures were to be obeyed. It was very simple and didn’t require much thought. Not that I didn’t think, just that it was easy to do what I was told, and that if someone intimidated me even a little it was pretty much over.

There is a part of me that believes that if I let go of the facade I’ll be at the mercy of just about everyone around me who displays any slight hint of dominance or commanding airs. Truth is, I know that I have a weakness there, and it is, even now, a constant balance of walking the tightrope. Giving into my instinct to follow the lead of those around me, or asserting my Will and independence. Just saying no is work for me. Particularly to people I respect, admire, find attractive, or love.

I’m falling asleep. More later…

I don’t call you often enough Dad. When I do, I feel there is some unspoken tension in our voices. I don’t want there to be, but there is. I don’t tell you often enough, that I love you, that it is your strength that has made me the man I am today.

I’ve always thought that we were not much alike. That we shared very little in common, and that this has made us strangers. That isn’t so. It wasn’t so when I was a child, singing on your lap. It wasn’t true when you took me to work with you, and we sat in the cab of a truck and pretended to drive. And it isn’t true now.

The truth is, there is more of you in me than I’ve ever really recognized. But that part of me that is you looks different, sounds different, and so it doesn’t show. Like you, there is nothing in this world that I would not do for my family. As you have grown to be the loving, jovial patriarch of our family, so I have grown to start my own. And I have found myself, time and again trying to make this family I’m building, as similar to our family as I can. We take care of each other, the way that you taught us to do. We are all siblings and partners, the way you and Mom have always been. We fight, like my brothers and I have always done, but let there come a threat from outside and we will turn upon it as one, because we are a family.

I remember a time when looking at you I was awed by your strength, by your love for us. I remember when you were injured, and I watched for years as you died. A piece of me died with you. Somewhere along the line, during your struggles with life, I realized that some day you are going to die. And when that happens I will never again be able to tell you that I love you.

Somewhere along the way, something inside me changed, and I decided that I would never need to lean upon you or anyone else for help. And so I took myself and tried to live my life as best I could, and I learned a lot of hard lessons. But I’m still standing, still here, alive and strong.

In your illness you taught me that I can survive on my own.

In your recovery, you taught me that survival is nothing without the things that make life worth living. I’m not any of the things I thought I would be when I was a child. I don’t have a college degree. I’m not a lawyer or a doctor. I don’t have any children of my body, and I’m not somebody important in the world. But I have built a life that means something. I have touched the lives of dozens of people, and some of those I have brought to my heart and made into a family. And I could never have done it without your example.

Through all the years, all the troubles we have had, you have not only survived, you have never lost sight of our family, and you have never for even an instant let us down or failed us in even the smallest way. I am humbled by the love that you posses, and I can only hope to model it in my life.

For years, I have watched you try to find a reason to live. I know that you saw me and my brothers out on our own, making lives, and that you began to think we may no longer need you. And I know that there were times when you were ready to give up, because we didn’t need you any more. I know from watching you, that you have found reason to live again in Mom, and in celebrating the love that is so plentiful in your life. I am grateful for every second of your life, and though I may have learned to survive on my own, and though I may not need you to hold me up or keep me from falling, I will always need you in my life. You are a paragon of love and the pillar of our family, you have sacrificed and given more of yourself than anyone could ever expect, and you have done so with an open heart and a shining smile in your eyes.

One of the greatest fears I held when becoming a man, was that I would not live up to the expectations you and Mom had for me. When I learned that I was gay I was terrified that you wouldn’t be able to accept me. But through all this, I have received from you a sense of burgeoning pride. I know that you may not always like the paths I’ve taken, I’d be a little disappointed if you did, for after all what joy is there in a son’s life if he can not do things his parents disapprove of? But I know that you are proud of me, and I am stronger and more whole for that.

And though I do not say it often enough. I am proud to be your son. Most people know that I have an elitist streak in me. I believe in striving to be the best, in improving myself and those around me. As an elitist, as someone who never settles for anything less than the best, who strives in all things, I am proud to say that you are my father. I am proud of your strength and your love. I am proud of the life you have lived and the gifts you have given to me in my blood and in my life. I am proud to see parts of you in myself, and I am proud to call myself your son.

I love you Dad, and even though I don’t call as often as I probably should, I will always love you.

Your Son,

theo

The weather is gorgeous. There is just a bit of chill in the air, and the low deep clouds make the air thick with humidity. I’m on the train, with an unpleasant middle-aged man sitting next to me. I’m rather annoyed by his presence.

I was really productive last night. I wrote Create Statements for a couple dozen tables that are part of the CMS I’m building in php. Today I’m going to sketch and spec more of the management architecture, specifically the page creation and layout templating processes. I also want to look into dynamically created form management engine architecture. I have some ideas about how to structure all that stuff that I find pretty exciting. What can I say, I’m a nerd.

Tonight is First Friday. My brother won’t be there, which is sad. I’ll call him later and give him shit about it. He’s doing a shoot in Michigan for 6 weeks as Key PA. He’s really excited about the whole thing and I can’t blame him. I think his room mates moved yesterday into their new apartment. He’ll move his stuff when he gets back.

Communal living seems to be spreading in my social circle. Ceann Uide is not the perfect household. We have challenges still, but we are working through them. There is something going on there that I haven’t been able to put my finger on yet. The energies of the apartment seem a bit off lately. George noticed it the other night as well. I think it may be simply that we’ve created an environment that needs a steady upkeep, and we’re not the best at that upkeep.

I’m going to look into it tonight or tomorrow, see if I can change the balance a little and produce a more maintainable environment. It’s also time to handle my bills and the like. We’re still trying to get everything in line and organized for PSG and so that we have a steady stream of income coming in and going out. Everybody is employed now, which will make things easier at the start, but there is still a lot of stuff we have to work out to run smoothly.