autumn twilight
… where the water meets the sea, between the worlds, within the void …autumn twilight
… where the water meets the sea, between the worlds, within the void …Foreknowledge, heartache, and whining.
The moon is rising in the sky over the roof of the building next door. There are clouds beginning to move quickly across her pale face.
I wrote the other day about some of the challenges that come with being prescient, with being granted visions or knowledge of things that are yet to come to pass. It’s still heavy on my mind for several days now, and probably will be part of my thought process for a while to come.
Though I’ve met plenty of people that disagree with me, I believe strongly that we are given different gifts for a reason, and that those gifts develop over time, and that we sometimes develop new gifts or abilities. I’ve heard plenty of explanations as to why this would be, or how it could happen. In all seriousness the mechanism is not important to me. As with many things, whatever mechanism or system you ascribe it to makes little difference. What is important to me is recognizing the changes in myself and those around me. What is important is accepting the gifts and changes with humility and awe, and coming to terms with them.
… read the rest
The Door into Fire
I’ve just finished reading “The Door into Fire” by Diane Duane again, and I’m touched and transformed by the wisdom within it. I always forget how it speaks to me, how it unfolds and awakens. there is such beauty in the world that is described. I can not hope to do it justice.
Her world, like ours, is flawed. It’s inhabitants are flawed. The very truth of these flaws, their honesty, is refreshing and powerful, but the real beauty comes from an understanding of one of the few truths I hold dear. The power to love is the gift that redeems us as citizens of this universe. All our greatness comes from our emotion, and it is in love that we stand silently victorious over the chaos of the world.
“How She must love us, To share with us all, to give us so very much — I can’t understand it. Just for my own part, even. What incredible thing have I done, or will I do, to earn — to deserve such, such blessing, so much love….”
… read the rest
When my priorities and universal conspiracy are clear
I’m supposed to spend a couple hours doing conjurations of a demon tonight. I was looking forward to it, and had planned how I would get all my myriad responsibilities handled so everything could get the attention it deserved.
At about 4:15 I started clearing out all the work that was still undone. Responded to all my emails and made my task list for tomorrow. at 4:30 I was beginning to pack up so I could leave. At 4:31 work exploded. I got a major issue in my inbox that had to be dealt with today. I looked at it for a few minutes and realized there wouldn’t be a simple work-around. I had to fix it, and I had to fix it today.
I looked at the time. I can handle this I said. If I focus I can get this fixed and ready for production by 5:00 and still make it to Target, and then home, and then to my teacher’s in time. I got to work. No sooner than I had begun did I begin getting interrupted. Four or five emails from my CTO blazed into my inbox needing immediate review and response. Our Support/Quality manager was calling my name from the next row of desks. All told, another 2 hours of work or so was now on my desk. I really wish stuff like this would happen in the morning so it doesn’t mess up carefully scheduled tasks.
Anyway I made a very important decision. My job is more important than conjuring demons, and I released the very real conflict that was inside of me. I opened up gmail and fired a quick email to my teacher with a promise to call him up later to verify he knew that I was cancelling on him, and reschedule as soon as possible. I got back to work and addressed the original email. I resolved it and left the office at 5:00 to head to Target, with the intent of addressing the rest of the issues from home. I’m now on the train home, having achieved my mission and completed my holiday shopping (less one gift, which won’t be bought until next week, but it won’t be delivered until after the new year either way).
It’s 5:52, and I think I am going to be able to uncancel on my teacher. The issues are all handled well enough for the night, and unless my blackberry starts freaking out once I get out of the tunnel, I will have plenty of time to get home, get things ready, and get to my teacher’s in time. Possibly without even being late.
The point of all this, is that for all intents and purposes, there should be no way for me to make this session tonight. All the factors are against me. It’s the holiday season, which is bad for schedules to begin with. I have more work than I can easily handle during a full week, and both this week and next will be 4 short-ish days. And yet, after deciding that my study is a priority equivalent with my job, and putting my mind to work on being able to not cancel, a lot of things fell into place.
In short, my experience this evening is a demonstration of one of the most fundamental points of my philosophy.
The universe conspires to help us.
When we align ourselves with our goals and needs, and lean into the wind, the way is often cleared for us. Sure I’m going to be up late working tonight so that I can resolve these issues before going in tomorrow. But I’ll manage to make both my work and my study priorities and balance them around my needs, to care for myself and my loved ones, and to further my own knowledge and experience towards self-improvement and the welfare of my larger community.
All that, and I’ve even managed to write a blog post. Now if only I’d made it to the gym… Maybe I can practice a couple of karate katas before heading out…
dated models
It’s a little past 11. I should be on my way to bed but I’m not really tired. I’ll get there eventually. I spent most of the day at work trying to wrangle a misbehaving server into functionality. No luck yet. We’re going to try rebooting and possibly reinstalling some components tomorrow morning. Hopefully that will resolve the issues. If not I’m going to be very very stabby.
I’m in kind of an odd mood. I’m working through some shadows tonight. The moon is barely waning and already I am getting depressed. I’m not sleeping so well either. The next two weeks promise to be challenging. Which is good, but also hateful.
I wonder if it’s always this hard to reconcile self-perception with the perceptions that people have of you. The person I am can only be self-defined. If I am to have personal strength I can not let myself be defined by the people around me. I can not let ascribed motivations supersede actual motivations. Self-definition, self-awareness is the core of individuation.
I think I see a hole that a lot of magicians before me have stumble into. It has me caught because I haven’t found a way around it yet. Must everything be a tight-rope walk? It would be really easy for me to isolate my perception of self and deny the veracity of perceptions given to me by others. In the core of things, this must be the goal. Nobody else has the right or power to define or constrain the person I am.
But I have no desire to be alone in my life. I have no desire to estrange those few people close to my heart, and their feelings and thoughts are valuable to me. It’s hard to tell someone you love that you aren’t the person they think you are. Or that you aren’t acting from the motivations they place upon you.
It’s harder to try and take criticism or observation at face value and try to reconcile it with self-perception and memory. All perception is valid, even the perceptions of others. But what about perceptions that don’t reconcile, or don’t appear to reconcile in magnitude?
There’s no easy fix. I have to take what I’m given at face value and evaluate it’s place in my self-perception. How to change those perceptions that are inaccurate though? If someone brings something to my attention that is accurate it’s important to learn to observe it. That’s tricky but it is a matter of self-awareness.
But how do you change the perceptions of others that are inaccurate, and stem from their conceptual model of the person you are? I suppose people have been struggling with this since before the dawn of time. It’s hard to get a sexist to see an actual person behind the gender-identity they’ve assigned them. It’s equally hard to get a racist to see through the race-identity they expect.
Is it more difficult on a personal level? People create behavioral and identity models in their heads of all the people they meet. They use those models to interpret how you will react and how they should treat you. The accuracy of those models depends on the persons skill at creating them, the prejudices or blind spots that are in effect, and the rate at which the person they are modeling changes hir behavior. How can you break out of the models that people are placing on you gently? How can you be respectful and sincere, yet still let people know that they have some flaws in their model, or at least some dated components?
Democracy…
Those who know me know that I’m not really into Democracy. In truth I think it’s a non-functional system. I don’t believe it functions in the US. Not having first hand experience of it in other countries of the world I can’t speak to their implementations, but I doubt it works anywhere else either. I believe that the most effective method of government is beneficent dictatorship. And even that breaks down in groups larger than a hundred. That said, I believe that democracy is as good a system as most of the others, better than many.
I also respect the will of a body of people, deeply and profoundly. That respect is not always made vocal, because too often I find that masses of people are stupid. But they have a right to their stupidity, as much as I might like to take it away from them, and they do not deserve to have their stupidity over-ruled by a well meaning overlord. It is an offense against their chosen path and the nature of their right to choose.
I’ve been thinking the last several days, about democracy and tyranny. What makes either of them functional? I’ve been thinking about how that applies to smaller units, like families and groups of friends. Take Ceann Uide. We practice a form of consensus in our household meetings, and in general development of our family. We use consensus to invite new housemates to live with us, and consensus to determine when a housemate or guest needs to leave.
There are times when I feel that’s a terrible idea. Usually when the consensus takes a turn that I’m not entirely comfortable with. This puts me in a very tough position. I’m sort of the unofficial patriarch of our family. My words carry a lot of weight, and I can be extremely persuasive if I put a little effort into it. When our discussion goes towards a river that is not to my preference I have to make a careful judgment. How forcefully do I speak out against this? Do I force a halt to consensus by refusing to explore the territory at all? Do I share my opinions strongly, or more fairly, as one member of our community.
I don’t believe I’ve ever chosen to halt consensus, but I know I’ve made forceful pushes in one direction or another. Normally though, I choose to allow consensus to do it’s work. I accept that though I have the power and influence to push our thoughts in a single direction, it is not my right to do that. It would be a breach of trust for me to override the consensual will of the group. And I have too much respect for the members of my family to do that. There comes a time when you have to cut the apron strings.
I began building this family on accident. And then with intent, strong and clear. And it has taken on a life of its own. As a result, I need to let that life take its own course. As with any parent, I will worry about the courses it takes from time to time. I will even be tempted to put my foot down and demand that something occur, or not occur. I hope that I can restrain myself though, because the family we’ve created deserves the chance to live it’s own life and make its own mistakes.I would like it to survive on its own, without me or George or Lizzie.
I would like it to be strong, having learned lessons from its mistakes, and it will not do that if It does not stand upon its own now, while it has a strong foundation and the ability to recover from injuries with a child’s speed of healing.