I haven’t been very happy lately. It’s not that anything has been happening to make me unhappy, just that I’ve been living in, and focusing on a lot of what if’s lately. Escapism has been my go to for keeping my thoughts away from all the things that I’d rather occured in my life.

This isn’t a new phase or pattern, it’s one that I go through every now and again, usually about twice a year, although it’s not tied to any specific season. I’m on the upswing now. I’ve got a bit of motivation, and I feel enthusiastic about the next few weeks and months, even though the outlook isn’t much different than it has been for the past while.

I sat down in bed last night, and I was going to write, but all the stuff that would have come out just sort of settled in, and nothing happened. My dreams have been more active of late too, some of them very telling and others just random. One thing that I realized this past week is that I am missing alone time. Time for just me. I have never lived alone for more than a few months at a time. I’m not sure that I want to live alone, but I sometimes find myself wishing for more alone time.

It’s not privacy, just that there is a difference of quality between being alone in my room, or at my computer, and being alone at home. I have been aching for that particular quality, and I’m not sure why. I think part of it is that I feel like getting away from other people more will help me get a better handle on who I am. I am too often defined by the people around me, by what I do.

There’s a scene in Across the Universe:

“Why is it always ‘what are you going to do?’ Do, do, do. Why can’t it be about who I am?”

An older relative replies “Because what you do, defines who you are.”

The young man responds “No! Who you are determines what you do.”

I agree with the young man, not because he’s right, but because he should be right. What we do should be a product of who we are. Our job, our impact on the world, our purpose is, or should be, a function or expression of our being. Too often this is not the case, but it should be. I feel a little trapped lately, like I am letting myself be defined by the roles I fulfill instead of filling the roles with myself.

Sometimes I wonder how much of what other people see in me has more to do with the role I’m fulfilling for them than who I am. I know this is not a new observation, or even a particularly startling one. But right now it’s bothering me a little bit. Do our parents ever see us as anyone other than their son or daughter? Do our students see us as anyone other than a teacher? Do our teachers see us as anyone other than students?

Can you tell someone who you are without indicating a role? Can you explain yourself to them? There is a maxim:

If you can’t explain it in three sentences you don’t really understand it.

Who am I other than son, student, teacher, friend, priest… ? The world of Branding is all about roles. I read every day how to have a brand you have to have a brand statement, and it should be about what you do. This kind of bothers me, because what we do is so little of our brand. It doesn’t explain our personality, our passions, our motivations. Believe it or not, these are the things that make us who we are. I’m not talking about cause and effect either, just a realization of who we are.

And how does that realization take form? What are things we do, and what are things we are? Do I program for a living, or am I a programmer? I think everyone needs to define that for themselves. For me it’s about passion, personality, and purpose. I am passionate about love, about connection, about people, and about discernment. My personality is petulant, earnest, acerbic, and sometimes sweet. My purpose is torch-bearer, someone who holds the light for others to see by, to illuminate and reveal who, what, and where we are.