I’m sitting in the study and listening to Sooj music tonight. The only light is a candle and what comes off the monitor. Incense to please myself and the spirits.

I’m not sure what’s up, but I’ve got that “why do I bother” feeling at the moment. I hate that feeling. Detest it really. I have that weak feeling that makes me wonder if anything I do makes a difference to anybody. Logic doesn’t help, and I don’t want to manipulate myself out of the feeling.

There’s a line used in a Flobots song, that I think is a quote from a civil rights activist, but I don’t know for certain. It goes something like this:

What you win in the immediate battles is little compared to the effort you put into it but if you see that as a part of this total movement to build a new world, you know what could be. You do have a choice. You don’t have to be a part of the world of the lynchers. You can join the other America.

It makes me think of another quote. One of the ads going around for some charity or another. A well known actor, perhaps Noah Wylie, says something along the lines of:

It seems like the problem is so big that anything we do would just be a drop in the bucket. Maybe that’s why we don’t think about it.

Sorrow’s Song is playing now. This is possibly my most favorite of every lyrical song Sooj has ever written. It’s not even the lyrics. It’s just the music itself. It does something to me. It feels like hope. It lifts me up.

Back to the topic though, I feel a little like that first quote. It is so hard to make little tiny changes, even in our own life, and they don’t seem to add up to much. Logically I know very well that my work is part of a larger tide of change. Transformation comes as the culmination of many smaller fires. But sometimes despair is on the menu. When I look at all the things I want to do and try and figure out how to do them it feels like being crushed.

Now I know that feeling of being crushed is an illusion. I feel crushed because I am feeling small right now. I am feeling defeated because I’m 29 and I feel like I’ve squandered the best opportunities of my life. It’s times like this when the presence of the Divine in my live is difficult to find. But it is times like this when we need the Divine most.

Now is when I need the strength of my gods to help me along. So I think about the blessings that I have in my life. All the people who are dear to me, my teachers, my family. I think about the precious gift of life that I posess. About my body, however much I’ve maltreated it, strong and flexible, willing to do pretty much whatever I need it to do.

And it is this time to, that it’s important to remember that I am not alone. It is my precious habit of reminding the people around me that they aren’t alone. It is something that I realize I don’t recognize enough for myself. I’m not alone. I’m surrounded by people who struggle the same way I do, and we support each other as best we can.

And that’s the way it goes some nights. And for tonight, just keeping it in my mind that I am not alone is enough. It quiets me and helps me relax into the work, even though there isn’t much work left to be done tonight. Perhaps I will sleep more peacefully as a result.

I leave you tonight with a quote from Sorrow’s Song. This line always touches me. It makes me think of all the nights I’ve spent with my friends and family, talking late into the night, through the darkest hours, until dawn was beginning to break in the east.

Does it not seem strange to ask to talk by first light instead of last.