It’s 10:30. I’m already in bed with the laptop, typing by candlelight. I have a whole list of other things that I could be doing, but I’m not really in the mood.

On a side note, my laptop is freaking out a little bit. For some reason a whole slew of applications aren’t behaving very well the last few days. Twhirl doesn’t like posting and isn’t updating well. Crystal Reports 2008 doesn’t want to open at all. And now, iTunes opens and immediately freezes. So no music at the moment.

10:43 now. A reboot managed to fix iTunes. Not sure about Twhirl, but we’re going to pretend that it’s working. A couple hours ago I couldn’t play any video at all, and I kinda hope that gets better. I’ll run a quick test later.

Work is really busy. I feel worn out and ready to sleep at the end of the day, which is not a feeling I like very much. On the other hand, I’m really enjoying the projects that I’m on, so at least I’m not miserable while I’m there every day.

The other night I patched, from the inside, the spots that were still leaking in my air mattress. It seems I’ve gotten pretty much all the noticable leaks now. If I don’t want the mattress to be super-firm, I would only need to put extra air in it once every few days.

Loreena McKennit’s “An Ancient Muse” album is playing in the background, and the air outside the window is pleasantly cool. The sky is that off-white-orangeish color that you get from a combination of low clouds and light-pollution. I kind of dislike the fact that a cloudy sky prevents it from getting dark outside.

Not that it ever gets dark here, not really dark. But darker than this. On the plus side, this weather combined with the light pollution creates a kind of persistent twilight that is not entirely unpleasant.

I spent a couple hours tonight hemming the legs and arms of my Karate Gi, because they’re just too long and get in the way. After doing so, and washing them, I realized that I hemmed the sleeves on the outside, so I’ll have to fix that tomorrow. Very frustrating.

I’m just kind of rambling tonight it seems. And I’m kind of in the mood to do that, to just let my mind wander. Of course that means that I might have to edit this a bit before I post it, which I normally don’t do. Not to fix my grammar, but because when my mind wanders sometimes it wanders into places that are not fit for public consumption, even for someone as transparent and open as I.

I suppose ‘not fit for public consumption’ is an overly dramatic way of putting it. I tend to believe in honesty and transparency. A lot of people keep their personal lives private because they don’t want people knowing about them. That information is treated as a commodity. Something that interests me is how often that behavior comes from a fear that such knowledge could be used against them.

Some people I know write and interact on line anonymously, or pseudononymously because they don’t want people in their life being privy to all the sorted details of their life. I don’t judge these friends, they all have their reasons, and it’s not my place to determine how transparent they should be. But I take pretty much the opposite approach. Maybe it’s the idealist in me, but I don’t really have any issue with letting you know the most intimate details of myself. I kind of believe, however naive it may be, that you can’t use secrets I don’t have against me.

Another aspect of this is the same reason I embrace many words that my peers consider to be offensive slurs. I am not ashamed of my life or myself. Anything that accurately describes me is not offensive. And if it’s not accurate, than I have no reason to be offended. Putting my stuff out there tends to keep me honest with myself and those around me, because we all know where I stand and what’s going on with me. And if someone challenges me on something, and I am offended or ashamed, that’s probably an indicator that I have an issue to work out, or a change that needs to happen in my lifestyle.

For instance, I am pretty open about my sexual tastes. I like my sex to be rough. Perhaps violent is a better word. I don’t often discuss the details of my carnal relationships in public, not out of a sense of shame, but because I rarely have the permission of the people involved to do so. But I also realize that I don’t talk about my self-love much. Part of that is simply because if I described my fantasies and the games I play with myself consistently you’d either get bored or disturbed, and I wouldn’t have any readers left.

But another part of it is because I still feel a little ashamed about masturbation. I have no idea why, but I’ve been noticing, and questioning, my relationship to private stimulation for a while now. It’s only after months (possibly years) of having some nagging concerns, that I’m realizing I’m flat out ashamed of my solo play. I notice that I try to keep people from knowing when I’m doing it (although I have no problem saying that I’ve done it). The thought of being caught in the act, or watched while I’m at it, humiliates me.

I’m not sure what’s up here, and I don’t like it. I think it might be tied up with some sort of performance anxiety or other hang ups. This is one of the times when I’m frustrated because my walk is not as good as my talk when it comes to sex. I know what I like and what I enjoy, but a lot of that seems to be a bit superficial. There are lots of murky depths to be plumbed regarding my sex, and I’ll admit that I’m not sure I’m up to the task.

Then again, not being up to the task has never stopped me before.

So yeah, that’s on my mind a little. I’m not sure where I need to go with that, but eventually it needs to be explored. It might be easier with a sounding board or partner to work through it. More longing for a paramour now. Ah well, it’s 11:08 and I’m going to post this then chill a bit and go to sleep.