It’s been a few days. I would say that they’ve been busy, but that’s an excuse. The truth is I’ve been too lazy to write. By lazy I mean that I’ve been working on trying to untangle the mess of objects the Crystal API consists of. Note to self: dev an open-source API against the crystal object model once I get my head wrapped around it.

Also, the new moon is officially passed, which is nice. Today I started feeling like myself again, which is to say that I wasn’t manic or absurdly depressed. It’s clear that I need to explore my relationship with the cycles of the moon a bit more thuroughly, this depressive cycle has gotten noticably worse in the last year, and I don’t think I like it.

This weekend was IML, a gathering of kinky leathermen from all over the world in the middle of the city. IML is always a bit rough on me. It changes the timbre of the cities energy, it makes me hornier than usual, and something about it makes me more judgmental than I normally am, particularly surrounding myself. Add this to the depressive new moon energy I was dealing with, and some of this weekend was extremely unpleasant for me.

I felt really fat most of Sunday. Hideously obese. I spent a good deal of time on Sunday examining my thoughts on my weight, physical health, self-image, and desires surrounding it. As I’ve mentioned a few times recently, I’m very Narcissistic, and quite vain. Sunday I felt ugly, and I felt ashamed every time I caught a reflection of myself. It doesn’t help that I have a pretty gorgeous group of friends. Most of the people I spend my time with are visually stunning in one way or another. I often feel like the plain jane at best. Put me in a hotel full of preening leathermen, a good portion of whom obviously go to the gym five times a week, and I tend to get self-conscious.

Today was much better. I was still a bit self-conscious when I met John for lunch, but the worst of it had faded away by this morning. Tonight I feel pretty good in general. A bit more conscious of my gut than is usual, but I’m not beating myself up about it, or making absurd emotional decisions about what I need to do to ‘fix’ myself.

About now is when I’d usually have some sort of insight that I’ve gleaned from my ordeal, but nothing is coming to mind. I suspect that means that the issues aren’t resolved, which is not a surprise.

I suppose that is a pretty important lesson in itself. I was thinking about it recently. I don’t know if it applies to everyone, but it’s obvious to me that I haven’t really thought things through or processed an experience if I can’t distill it to a few phrases. If I can’t extract some lesson or truth from something it’s probably not fully baked yet.

Ian called me earlier today and we had a nice chat about gender and sex identity, Diane Duane, and the rigidity with which the gay community tends to treat identity. It was a pleasant and refreshing chat and got me thinking about The Door into Fire again, which as I told Ian, is one of the seminal books of my life. It helped to shape and influence some of my core principles relating to love, which of course has been my focus pretty heavily lately. It’s also the book from which my current personal motto “Share the Gift” comes from.

I’m in a bit of an interesting position in the Brotherhood of the Phoenix these days. I’m a member of the Inner Order, which gives me a certain status on a spiritual and mentorship level within the order. Officially, I’m not involved in the day to day running of the organization any more. Perhaps because I’ve been there since the start, or because I used to be an integral part of daily operations, it seems a lot of people use me as a sounding board for their complaints or questions. I don’t mind this, and I’m glad these people have someone they’re comfortable raising their concerns to, but it is a little frustrating for me.

I find myself in the position of having a great deal of knowledge about how things are done, and a lot of complaints and concerns of those who’ve come to me and my own. And I’m not entirely certain what to do with a lot of it. I think I need to sit down this week and make a list of all the things going on that I think need attention or to be addressed, prioritize them, and decide what the best thing for me to do is on each of them.

I’m very devoted to the work of the Brotherhood, and I believe we have done a great deal of good, and will do a great deal more. But there are moments when I wonder if we have the tools and motivation to achieve the goals we have set out to accomplish. Our founders and leaders, myself included, have worked very hard to give us a good solid structure, a foundation, and a lot of tools to use. But I’m not sure that’s enough. Part of me thinks that we’ve given our membership a system that’s too pat, that has too much built in beauracracy to be effective if implemented the way it was envisioned.

So I find myself aching to make some changes, and looking very carefully and with a great deal of detail, at what is the most important thing to look at and whether or not I have the ability to help create the change.

On a related note, I’ve found that I am very frustrated, and I mean very frustrated, at people who think inaction is never an acceptable course of action. And even moreso at people who see something that they perceive needs to change and immediately decide upon a course of action without any consideration of the real problem.

I know the world, and all organizations, need people like this. But I too often see problems that could easily be avoided crop up because people didn’t take the time to consider before they acted. There are many times when immediate action is important, but being able to discern when you have to act immediately and when you don’t is also an important and valuable skill.

Have I said to much? There’s nothing more I can think of to say…

Ah, such is the life of theo late at night listening to Sooj and contemplating the world.

On a completely unrelated note, my soon to be Sister-in-law’s cat, Lily, is very sick and appears to have lost the use of her hind legs. Any good thoughts, energy, healing, and emotional support you send her way would be appreciated.

Share the Gift.