Morning again. The quantity of blue sky and lack of clouds is a bit distressing for me. I woke up and got grumpy real fast after looking out the window next to my bed. I miss the clouds. I had a brownie for breakfast again, and thus I’m a bit more chipper than I would otherwise be on such a sunny morning on the way to work.

I got an email from Lizzie this morning, in which she said “you’re one of the more narcissistic men I’ve ever met.” Before you rush to leap to my defense, realize that this isn’t an attack, just a fact.

My immediate response, even before I finished reading the email was to think, “You think I’m narcissistic now? Wait until I’m happier with my physical appearance.” It’s true. I’m a narcissist. I have been for most of my life. I love myself, even though I don’t always like myself or think I’m beautiful, I really love myself. At times, sometimes often, I am incredibly self centered and self-focused. And I primp and preen in any reflective surface on a pretty consistent basis.

Which brings up something that I’ve been thinking about off and on for a while now. I may have already mentioned this, but I don’t recall for certain. Given my innate narcissism, I wonder if one of the reasons why I’ve been overweight and picked on most of my life is because a healthy dose of self-loathing was something I needed to temper that narcissism.

I’m not one to generally be fatalistic, predeterministic, or as though everything in my life is an event manipulated by the hand of the prime mover. I’m not really feeling that way here either. But I do believe that the universe conspires to aid us. And I also believe it conspires to challenge us. And I do believe that our higher selves, the spirits we engage, and the gods we engage, do sometimes pull a string or two to help make us who we are.

It’s our choice how to react to those events. I can say with absolute surety that my self-loathing and self-hate has made me a far stronger person than if I hadn’t had to fight for the ability to love myself. I’m a much stronger person for my battle with my weight and physical health. And I’m less prone to letting my narcissism overwhelm me or take the most important spot in my life. And I’ll be honest about this, even with my self-loathing, there are times when my narcissism has overwhelmed me. There have been a few glamours that I’m not proud of, and even an occurance where the spirits stepped in and said “Fuck no.”

I wonder how the world would be different if more people looked at their natural inclinations and interpreted their challenges as related events. Or perhaps the other way around. Take the challenges we face, and look at how they have affected our natural tendencies. How has my struggle with self-worth interacted with my narcissism and my egotism. How has my struggle with discipline interacted with my innate talent for mysticism? How have these things shaped my spirituality? My Worldview?

Sometimes I think the biggest problem with the world is that people don’t seem to think about these things, ad the interrelationships of their lives. Time for work, gotta run.