I woke up around 1:30 with really bad indigestion. I haven’t felt abdominal cramps like that in years. After the dry-heaving I managed to burp a few times and fart a few times to release enough pressure to where I could think straight. After trying unsucessfully to relieve the pressure I drew a hot bath and soaked until the pressure eased itself and things started moving again. Then I laid in bed awkwardly, curled up with my knees spread as best I could, and watched episodes of The Tribe until the pain subsided enough that I could rest.

That was about an hour and a half ago. Can’t sleep now. I think the couple of hours I got before I woke up did me in for the night. I’m hoping to get a couple more hours before I head to work, but I’m not sure if that will happen. I’m in that spot where my brain won’t shut off. I hate that spot. I could force it, but I don’t like manipulating myself without a really good cause. I’d rather sit up and type, and let whatever it is that’s keeping me up work itself out. So here I am.

We move in three days, two days now I suppose. We’re pretty much all packed and ready to go. I’ve never before been this well prepared for a move. Things are going very smoothly now that we’re approaching it so quickly. Most of the apartment has been cleaned and straightened. The movers are confirmed and everything is sorted. But there’s part of me that is feeling as though something is not quite right, unresolved.

I feel that way about a few things in my life right now. I’m kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop. It seems that everything is going just the way it should be, and all the work I’ve put into my life is paying off. I’m so used to shit hitting the fan at this point that I keep being surprised that it hasn’t.

I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised. That’s what a lot of my work this past year has been about fixing, although I haven’t really labeled it as such. One of my teachers wrote to me once: “Why do you work so hard, say you want the baton, and then stumble before the finish?” It’s not quite a direct quote, but the meaning is there. It’s not a pattern I like, and I’ve spent a lot of time examining it. As with many things our teachers tell us, it has elements of truth that are very important, and elements of deception that must be identified and placed appropriately.

For me, the question is not why do I stumble, but why do I feel I deserve to stumble? I touched on this in my last post. I often don’t feel that I deserve what’s good in my life. No matter how hard I work to get it, or how much effort I put in to master something, I always feel a little bit guilty for my accomplishment.

I’ve spent a lot of time trying to accept the most peaceful argument plausible. “If I wasn’t worthy of it I wouldn’t have received it.” I realized this past year that though this is probably very true, it doesn’t alleviate my feelings around success. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to determine why, even when I’ve worked very hard for something, I tend to feel as though it’s come too easily.

Something that has been really hard for me, is tackling my egotism. I’m very egotistical. I have been most of my life. I could talk about how it’s a defense because of all the shit I dealt with growing up, or that it is centered on the way my parents were always telling me how much smarter, better, and more special I was than everyone else. But how I got to be egotistical isn’t really the question, and never has been. I’m also not really unhappy with my egotism.

What has caused me dis-ease is the fact that my egotism has bred unhealthy patterns. Perhaps the most notable is the one mentioned above. In a lot of ways I feel that I am better, more able, than most people. So if I achieve something, there is part of me that thinks it’s not because I’ve worked for it, but because I’m special. The egotist in me believes that the achievment is somehow my right. The counter to that belief tells me that it’s not my right. That I don’t deserve anything more than what those around me get.

In short, the largest part of me feels as though I’m a fat ugly fag that nobody understood when I was growing up. The egotism in me says that I’m special, exalted, and deserving of all the world has to offer. These two forces are always at war within me. And while I may not always agree with their methods, I believe my teachers have been trying to get me to resolve this conflict for years now. I don’t know that my answer is the one they’d like me to find, nor do I know if it’s the final solution. I may find myself facing the same struggle in another couple years, but I don’t think so.

The core of the matter is that neither of those beliefs are healthy patterns. I am not worthless, no matter what I’ve been told or how I was made to feel. I have done a great deal of good in this world, and I will continue to do that with every breath I take. I can not live my life with the voice that tells me I’m an unlovable emotionless monster always whispering to me.

But I am not exalted either. No matter how much my parents, bless them, may believe that I am a treasure given unto this earth. I may be, but I am not the only treasure, and I can not live my life with the voice that tells me I’m better than you always in my ear.

The struggle now is striking at the middle pillar. Giving neither of those voices more food or credence than they deserve, and helping them to find silence. In this I have been given a great gift, one that I am working to replace these voices with. The recognition that I am in a partnership with the divine. I am alone, and I am not alone. So long as I show up, so long as I’m doing my job (as Elizabeth Gilbert puts it in her TED talk) I will continue to move forward. Whether I succeed or fail, I share the burden of responsibility with the spirits and the divine. I just have to keep showing up.

It’s 5:12 now. The sky is starting to get lighter. It’s that mix of purple and murky blue that it gets right before dawn. I’m going to post this and try and grab a couple hours sleep.