Typing by candlelight tonight. I’ve got a bit of Stardust in my brain. “The fastest way to travel is by candlelight.” I haven’t posted in about a week. I’ve been busy.

I was preparing myself for a rite of passage I took on Saturday night. As of that evening, I am a member of the Inner Order of the Brotherhood of the Phoenix. This is something that I have been drawn towards and working towards for over four years. Now that it’s occurred I find myself surprised by my reaction to it.

I can, of course, share no details about the experience itself. Rites of Initiation are generally secret for numerous reasons, and I firmly agree with their secrecy. What I can share is how I feel tonight. How I’ve felt for almost 48 hours now.

The best summation I can give is that I feel high. I feel as though I’m on a high that won’t quit, and it doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. I’ve experience hyper-sensitivity as the result of magical experiences for years. It’s become my most common reaction-symptom. This is like that only it’s not reaction sickness. The hyper-sensitivity isn’t painful. It’s like everything is just ultra-real right now.

I’m explaining this badly. It’s one of those experiences that I can’t really sum up. I am myself, but I feel as though I have been changed.

The most surprising thing is that I feel a very real and concrete difference in my physical body as well as my awareness. I’ve been through enough rites to know that this feeling is exceedingly rare. I expected less dramatic shifts in consciousness than I seem to be experiencing. Just as surprising is that the world seems to know I’m different without even looking at me. It’s been two days and already I people have begun to find me looking for spiritual assistance and advice. Some people I know already and others I’ve never even met. It’s like some sort of signal went out telling the world that I’m ready and waiting.

I feel potent, virile. I feel more confident, more ready to act, just more. Saturday after I got home I laid in bed for hours trying to sleep. I felt like I was 17 again, lying in bed at my parents house trying to understand all the messages and information I was getting from the spirits (although I did not know them as such at the time). As at other times of awakening in my life, I feel as though I have been living without one of my senses, and now that it has been given to my care I can do so much more with it.

And perhaps the most potent of all this, is that I feel gratitude. I feel thankful to my teachers in the physical and non-physical realms. I feel humbled by the source, that I should be granted such eyes and hands. I feel honored to be given a chance at wisdom and compassion. I feel grateful for the tenderness and care shown me. I feel pregnant, ready to burst with force and reshape creation, but for the steadiness of my spirit, which knows the path ahead.

And with all that going on, I feel completely at peace with it. I’m not anxious or nervous, nor am I passively waiting. It’s as I am. And I can’t make it any more clear than that.