I got a voice message this morning from one of my teachers with a reminder of a few things for Saturday. Some of it was garbled so I need to call him back to get it clear. Five days till initiation, I’m a little nervous. I’ve been more and more energetically and psychically sensitive for the last several days. Yesterday afternoon and this morning I’m a little hyper-sensitive. Loud noises and bright light seems overwhelming and a little bit painful. I pray for the day when I get more conditioned to this hyper-awareness.

Despite being a little nervous and oversensitive, I feel really well. I haven’t done as much preparation as I’d like, but I feel secure and confident. I feel connected and active in the light of the divine. There is always more to be done, but this morning I feel rested and alive, ready to face whatever may come.

This is a real contrast to my old patterns, and shows me how far I’ve come. With everything I have in the air right now I should be freaking out and pretty securely spinning in depression. But I’m not. I’m somewhat pensieve, even a bit anxious, but mostly I feel at peace. I’m mostly maintaining my balance even as things get tossed into the air around me. I can’t express how this feels, how smooth and right it is.

I’ve experienced lucidity before, and balance. I’ve spent days in tiphareth and felt the beauty of supported awareness. But this is infinitely more stable, and subtle. Remembering my observations from those times in the past, and comparing them to my observations now, it’s clear that I was swaying back and forth like a tightrope walker. Able to see everything below, but distorted by the effort and constant adjustment needed to see it. Now I am balanced in stillness, and my gaze is less uncomfortable to me, less distrubing, much more compassionate.

I’ve got Karate tonight, then a meeting for the Brotherhood. I may be a few minutes late to the meeting depending on how fast I can manage the journey on public transit. I’m looking forward to reinvesting a bit, and to teaching more. And to joining my mentors and friends in the work of mentorship, and looking, in the distance, towards ordination.