It’s after midnight again, and I’m not really tired at all. I’m in a bit of a mellow, contemplative, self-questioning mood.

Late last week I was thinking a lot about how we define ourselves. I often hear and say the phrase “be true to myself.” I was wondering what that really means.

At an observable level we’re talking very clearly about being true to our ethical or moral stance and our character. We’re talking about acting in congruence. But upon examination I run into some challenges here.

My ethics can change based on my experiences and choices, so they can not truly be part of some core identity to which I want to be true. Similarly, my instinctual responses may change or develop over time. What is the core of congruence? With what, or whom, am I as a practitioner seeking to be in congruence with?

It would be pleasant to tie the entire query up with a simple explanation, and talk about my soul. But this is the idea of water for a thirsty man. It does not quench. Assuming that I am the physical manifestation of a unique spiritual self, in what ways can we determine when we are acting congruently with that spiritual self? How can we ever know that our actions, our lifestyles, our beliefs, are in congruence?

The mystic in me whispers that we know because we feel right. It also ponders whether or not the question is itself illusion. Can we truly be out of alignment with our higher self? Is the nature of the universe as frail as the moving parts of an automobile? If we assume a soul incarnate through mental, astral, etheric, and physical forms; must we not also assume that the soul must ultimately rule the incarnation?

If I plant a seed of oak, an oak tree will grow. No trick of the environment can change the nature of that tree. It will always be an oak tree. Certainly the nutrients it recieves, the soil it grows in, the weather it encounters will affect its growth. It’s eventual shape and size are determined by a variety of factors, influenced by but not dependent solely upon the nature of the seed itself. But its leaves will always be shaped like oak leaves, and it’s bark will always be rough and jagged.

Would you look at an oak tree that has grown to maturity and say that it is growing counter to its nature? Can I, a human grown from the seed of my parents, infused with the divine spark as are all my kin, grow in a way counter to my nature? Can I be out of alignment? Does the power of Will extend so far?

I’m not convinced that I am be misaligned. But I know that I can be unhealthy. I know that I can live a better life, perhaps a happier one. There is a part of me that sees the language we use about alignment as a trap. Just as our cultural shame of sex makes it difficult for us to liberate our physical connections, I think our assumption of misalignment handicaps us in the work of the divine.

I’m losing the train here, tired eyes are taking over. More another time.