It’s quickly approaching 1 in the morning. It’s been several days since I’ve blogged anything. Not from lack of things to say; I’ve simply been far too busy to stop and put things down. The downtime I have had has been filled with the exhaustive work of being lazy.

But here I am, late at night, in my bedroom with Vivianne, a single candle and some incense. I’m listening to Celtic Requiem, one of my all time favorite albums for the cultivation of peace. I’ve listened to this same album over and over again for years, and it always brings me to a place of focus. Tonight it is helping to quiet my mind. I’m feeling a little bit overstimulated lately, which is odd since I’ve been far less stimulated than has been my recent norm. I’m not sure overstimulated is the correct word. I think I am feeling incorrectly stimulated. I’ve had a lot of exposure to people in the last couple weeks. And that’s a good thing, but the stimulation of that exposure has left me bereft of time to stimulate myself.

I read several chapters of Kissing the Limitless today, and just the time of reading and stimulating myself felt refreshing. And then this evening I sat down with John and rewatched the six episodes of Dollhouse that have been released thus far. John is a perfect companion for this, being inquisitive but generally content to simply share space and the occasional comment. I always appreciate his presence and energy.

I feel pensive. I’m juggling a few things at the moment. As of tomorrow George and I will have an application put in on another apartment to rent. Not quite as fabulous as the first, but with its own special charms. I’m growing both more and less nervous about my upcoming rite of passage. Less nervous because I am opening to an acceptance of my fitness, and more nervous on account of the vast unknown elements involved. There is a super-charged atmosphere at work most days, that I find a little uncomfortable. I’m hoping it eases up at least a little soon, it makes my skin crawl a little.

The candle just sputtered and died, I had a new one ready to take its place.

I’ve been thinking a lot about placement lately. About where things go. Not so much things really, as people. Feelings. Thoughts. Actions.

I believe that all is nature. There is nothing we can create, nothing we can manifest, that is not part of nature. But with this belief, I recognize a need for placement. I suspect my NLP training comes into play here, but I believe there is a proper time and place for different feelings and behaviors. Most present on my mind of late is the placement of feelings.

I’m an elitist at heart (though I find that the deeper I go into the Work, the more at odds I am with that core thought process). But even at my elitist center, I believe that our feelings have proper places and improper places. I’m not talking about etiquette, but about context. I believe that a sense of superiority has value. But it can not be the dominant emotional response, not if I am to remain healthy. I believe that being angry at a persons actions, even if they don’t directly affect you, can be okay. But cultivating that anger? I don’t believe so.

I feel as though we spend a lot of our time dwelling in emotion that feeds whatever our particular brand of egotism is. I’m beginning to distrust any particularly tempting emotion that occurs in my base state. In fact, I’m beginning to think that any emotion that becomes part of my base state is just one more pitfall to avoid.

A musician must be able to play every note on his instrument with equal care and attention. If he spends all his time practicing a specific sequence, his flexibility and range will diminish. A weight lifter who focuses exclusively on the bench press and gives only courtesy work to other exercises will find himself imbalanced and unable to go beyond a certain point.

The same may be true of our emotional state. If I wear down a hole into any one emotion than my ability to experience the others may be lessened. But it is also a repugnant idea to consider cultivating a base state in which there is no emotion at all. I’m not sure where the reconciliation point is here.

The obvious answer is that the emotional element itself should not be part of the base state, but that our inner balance be well developed and strong enough to support the full array of emotions no matter which ones may be in play at any given moment. Not trying to escape any one, but giving none of them special purchase upon that fertile ground.

That’s a thought to sleep on…