I’ts late at night, after 2 in the morning. I should be sleeping but I’m not really feeling it, need to write a little instead. I’m aware that I feel a little disconnected right now, and I’m not sure why. Perhaps it’s that I’m sharing living space with a house full of people who have what appears to be a very close relationship. Close enough that they obviously forgive each other their faults and idiosyncrasies.

I have plenty of relationships with individuals and groups just as close as the troupe of performers now sleeping or preparing to sleep in the other rooms. I’m not sure that that’s it. Perhaps it’s more that I am feeling a bit disconnected from my self, and that’s manifesting in this listless feeling I have now, as though I don’t have an anchor.

I should probably look at the mundane first. I had a huge endorphin high about 6 hours ago. Feeling a bit depressed or off after that is to be expected, at least for me. I have plenty of similar experiences from intense leather and bdsm play, I just never really expected it from exercise itself. I am tempted to use one of the many techniques I have to brush away this feeling. To move through it more quickly and get away from it.

Normally I shy away from manipulating my emotions, particularly from super-processing them. I think that if I’m experiencing something there is a reason for it and it’s healthy to let it run its course. There are exceptions. When an emotion is patently unhealthy, addictive, or obsessive it needs to be addressed with extreme prejudice. Similarly, there are situations when feeling something may cause extreme danger to myself or others, but in general I don’t think that the ‘This is uncomfortable, i’ll fix it’ response is the right one to emotional disturbances. But tonight I’m almost in enough of a funk to do otherwise.

Not quite though. We’ll see how I feel in the morning and go from there. I’ll probably be much better.