Earlier today I came face to face with the realization that I have a life-changing ritual to take part in less than a month from now. Immediately I began to dread it and think about how stressful it is, and how much work I have to do to prepare. I began to prepare just a bit tonight, just to get started. It didn’t feel like an ominous task, or even a burden, but I began resenting it. I was angry and annoyed that I had to put forth this effort.

Then I thought of something. This is what I want to do. Nobody is making me do this. Nobody is forcing me against my will to do this work. It is the work of my life and it is what I want to do more than anything else. So why am I feeling put upon by it?

I am reminded of a lesson I learned as a submissive. I had made a mistake. Nothing truly serious, I don’t even remember what it was. But I was being punished for it. I don’t remember the details of the punishment. All I remember was that I wasn’t enjoying it. It was making me miserable and my misery was very clear. I think whatever it was was humiliating.

Then a friend, a fellow submissive, asked me why I was so unhappy. When I explained she laughed at me. She laughed at me and told me I was being incredibly stupid. She reminded me that this was my choice and asked me why I was doing it. I remember realizing that I was doing it for fun. I was doing this all, enduring this punishment and going along with the more enjoyable things because I wanted to. Once I realized that having to be punished, to accept responsibility for my mistake, didn’t mean I had failed or that I was bad or that I deserved to be unhappy I was able to let go of my misery and accept, and even enjoy the results of my behavior.

Unfortunately, this is not an easy lesson to remember for me. I have to remind myself of it time and time again. Each time I come up against some task or responsibility that is daunting or requires effort I find myself feeling put upon or unhappy with the work that needs to be done. I suspect part of this is because at my core I’m really a very lazy bastard. But whatever the reasons, I have to remind myself that this is why I’m here.

So I’m going to remember that I love magic, and I love celebrating my spirit through ritual. I’m going to remind myself, as often as I need to, that I’m doing the work because I enjoy it. That I’ve chosen these responsibilities and duties, and that they fulfill me and make me feel congruent.