I’ve considered myself a pagan since I was 16. I’ve had psychic and magical experiences for longer than that. I’ve been flirting with ceremonial magic off and on for about four years now. I’m definitely not an expert.

For the last 6 months or so I’ve slowly been learning more and more ceremonial magic. One of my teachers and I are beginning Goetic work, and in fact completed our third conjuration last Monday (the 29th). I can competently perform the LBRP, SRP, Planetary Ritual of the Septagram and a host of other important rituals or ritual components, and I’m preparing to take my turn as Magician in our next conjuration.

I’ve assembled most of the necessary tools, and will have the rest in short order. I know the ritual outline and a good bit of the liturgy/script. I’m in better physical health than I’ve been in a long time, and I’m thinking and acting more clearly and with more potent focus on a consistent basis than I ever have.

Still, ceremonial magic is hard. And sometimes painful. I come from a history of ecstatic and meditative practices. I’m a natural psychic and a rather talented magical practitioner in general. So following the strictures of ceremonial magic is difficult. I had similar troubles in Mystery School. It’s hard to cast a circle using a basic formula over and over and over when it’s second nature to simply pull it up the way you’ve been doing it for a decade.

Ceremonial magic, serious stuff, is even harder for me. It’s definitely not ecstatic, but it’s not meditative either. Ceremonial Magic, as @jefferyjones recently mentioned on twitter, really is a mental-physical work. It does not come naturally to those of us who’ve been steeped in natural magic for much of our lives.

As I’ve discussed with George (and a more devoted anti-structure natural magician there never was), ceremonial magic is a set of techniques created by people who weren’t natural magicians. Ceremonial magic was created to work without any natural inclination or talent. With the appropriate training, discipline, and practice, anyone can successfully perform most operations.

Thus it is a distinct challenge for those of us who don’t view magic as a complex set of ritual elements set together to create a specific psychological state and shift in reality. I have to say, I have a lot of trouble feeling serious about walking around in a circle chanting eh ee ah oo and ringing a bell at each revolution. It seems contrived, but as I’ve been telling myself over and over again, it has it’s place and its value.

Other than the practical value of working the ceremonial operations, and the ability to converse with other ceremonial magicians, there is one serious benefit for me. I’m learning how to balance discipline and fluidity. Ceremonial magic requires a certain discipline of thought and practice, which is perhaps my biggest challenge. My nature demands a great fluidity in both, and trying to approach the concept of discipline from a traditional standpoint has proved futile time and again in my life. Ceremonial magic, which I can’t succeed in without a certain discipline is helping me find an inner fulcrum on which to balance disciplined behavior with the flexibility I prize in my life.

I’m getting there, but it definitely hurts sometimes. As it stands I’m something of an experience hound in these matters. After I’m thuroughly conversant with the Goetia I’ve been considering studying Enochian magick, although I think I may take a break to bone up on my kabbalah and hebrew beforehand.