Unsurprisingly, I’m far too busy this week. My one free evening is Friday (how does that work?). Other than Friday I don’t have an evening without some sort of social committment until Tuesday of next week.

I love the holidays, but I think next year I’m going to withold some time for myself. This year is kind of insane.

The cat is fighting with a pile of old clothing that will get donated sometime in the next couple weeks. And trying to eat a neck pillow that I don’t even recall owning. It’s not snowing now, but it has been off and on since this morning, and it appears like it will continue doing so until Friday.

I can’t express how weary I am. I’m exhausted. I’m ready to collapse into bed, but I’m not really tired at all. My body wants rest, but my mind is plenty active. I’ve got conversations going on in my head on a loop. All the shadows and challenges in my life are just hovering in my consciousness now. Ah, the wonders of Goetic magic. I am not sad or upset by this, but I must admit it’s frustrating. I’d like nothing more than to just ignore them for a while, but they keep pestering me, poking at me.

It’s all a man can do to stay relatively sane and keep juggling the craziness that is life.

I’m not displeased though. I’m confident in my ability to balance and juggle these things. I freak out a little now and then, but in the whole I’ve got it under control. And the choice is my own. It’s my path, and I am the sole meaningful judge of my progress.

That’s one of the shadows that I’m fighting with. I’ve spent most of my life relying on other people to validate me. I’ve been seeking approval and praise and confirmation for so long that it’s hard to move away from that model, even knowing that it’s bad for me as a magician and spiritual leader. It’s even more difficult, because I feel at times that some people in my life are fighting against that change in consciousness. Some of my magical teachers seem to dislike the fact that I’m doing my best to take their advice and opinion as just that, instead of the sanctified pathway to their approval.

The feelings and opinions of those important to me, like my teachers, matter a great deal. I have no intention of forgetting them or ceasing to value them. But I will not let their judgments of my progress or path define or control me. If I am satisfied with my life and my progress their dissatisfaction is meaningless. If turning away from their demands and strictures closes some doors for me, so be it. I will not be subject to the whims or perceptions of others, no matter how much authority they wield.