July 1st, 2009 theo
I was dealing with some anxiety last night. Karate helped a lot, but I was still kind of angsty when I got home. After eating and putting brownies in the oven, I went into the main room to meditate. After centering and grounding, Persephone came and told me to lie down. I wasn’t sure what to expect, but did so, and was slowly coaxed into the hanged-man position.
I lay there for quite some time, and my mind was rather blank. If I was thinking of anything I am having trouble recalling it now. I let go of the anxiety and focused on accepting the support and help of my goddess and the spirits around me. When I was feeling peaceful and ready I stood up and faced the mirror. Looking into it I could see spirits moving around me, and inside me. Behind my eyes.
I sat down at the computer, opened darkroom, and began to type. (I channel best either writing or typing). At least six different spirits (some of which were pluralities not individuals) made themselves known and shared messages. Some of these are not for public consumption, but the ones below are. I’ll refrain from interpretation and just post them unedited (except for removing the not-for public parts) as they came through.
There is darkness in our soul.
It is not something to fear, although fear it we do, because we are taught that all darkness is the source of all pain.
There is darkness in our soul.
A shared humour, legacy of the source of creation. There is a place in us that we dare not tread, where the power to create lies.
There is darkness in our soul.
We yearn for the peace of the limitless light, seeking it with the fervor of the fanatic. But can not find it without passing through that dark night.
There is darkness in our soul.
We are not one people. We are many peoples. We are the people of this place, and of other places. We are the people who have walked this land, and the realms between. We are the one who has sat astride the stars and founded the birthings of a hundred worlds.
There is darkness in our soul.
We know no pain there, and no loss. Only quiet. There is darkness and it consumes us as we run, devouring the shadows that we cast to it in hopes of sating the lust which drives it.
There is darkness in our soul.
We do not fear any longer. And nor should you. Know the journey across that chasm and know the light. Unify the opposites.
There is darkness in our soul.
There is no darkness.
Accept, do not Will. Allow, do not cause. Perceive, do not display.
The art is not one of method or of force. The art is not of power. The art is of acceptance. The art is of allowance. The art is of perception. And above all, the art is of unification. Connection you understand, but this is a beginning, not the end.
Flee from the balance of opposites, and unify them. Move beyond discernment and into understanding.
And here we sit, but a shadow upon the wall of time. Sitting in the ashes of creation, destroyed as was all.
Alive, Alone, and Aware.
You are not alone, any more than you have ever been. Open your eyes. See us, we, hear us, we, know us, we. Listen and know. Be not alone.
This in thine time is known, there was a shadow that has now been lifted. You shall know peace, and you shall not struggle. Only choose to stand tall and proud, unafraid of the world, and unrequiring of the recognition you so do desire.
School yourself to patience as you have before. And school yourself to denial. The path of the ascetic has lessons which you have not learned. Avoid not desire, but recognize the pursuit of desire differs from the pursuit of the wrong. Desire is good, a strong pull and a stronger knowledge. But choose to pursue the desire that drives you, not the desire that is driven.
We will hold you in our hearts as you hold us. Know that no force can withstand your pursuit of desire if you understand the power of denial.
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June 30th, 2009 theo
Karate tonight. My ankle is bothering me a little, I’ll try to take it easy on it.
I’m on the red line on the way home, after a relatively productive day at work. I’m pretty pleased with the progress I made. I also ordered a book on Flex development from Amazon, because our CTO decided it would be easier for me to learn than it would be to hire a Flex developer. So I’m going to be spending some of my time every day trying to understand and compile a whole mess of Flex code, much of which has bad or missing references. I won’t lie, this does not excite me. Learning Flex does, trying to get this code functional on a dev box so I can modify it promises to be exceedingly tedious. I may be in for a few very dull weeks later this summer.
I’m still listening to the soundtrack for “Were the World Mine” almost exclusively. I think I’ve almost worn out the addiction though. I would have already done so if I didn’t take a break last Saturday to work through the majority of the musical theater in my library. As it is I think it’s got maybe two days left, possibly less, as last night I listened to Celtic Requiem as I took my bath.
I want to start going to the gym in the morning before work, but I’m not sure if I can manage it. I’m really not a morning person at all. I mean, at ALL. I used to go every morning with my brother, but that only worked if he came in to wake me up. I’m not sure how good I’ll be at getting up on my own. I will probably need to start going to bed earlier if I really want to start getting up that early on a regular basis. I’m not gonna lie, I really dislike getting up early. It might be better to go after work. Three days a week I could go to the Gym, and the other two I could go to Karate class. That’s something to consider.
I’m in as good a shape as I’ve been in my entire life. Possibly the best shape, although I think I’ve got a few more pounds to lose and some more endurance to pick up before that’s officially the case. Many people probably know that strict daily discipline is not my strong suit, but seaeing how well I’ve done with getting to karate twice a week I may be able to get some more in on a daily basis, I just need to commit to it. Maybe I’ll commit to going to the gym three times a week for July (starting the week after the 4th). If I do so I’m going to need to buy some new trainers, as all my shoes are falling apart or extremely uncomfortable. Maybe I can order some new New Balance online. Assuming their sizing hasn’t changed in the last couple years I should just be able to get the same size as my old pair. Right?
Had to stop writing cause I had to switch trains. It’s approaching midnight now. I’m getting ready for bed. Karate was good. I’m still thinking about trying to make it to the gym a few days a week, but I think my focus for July is just to change my sleep schedule so that I’m getting up earlier and getting to bed at least a little earlier as well. My goal for the first week of July is to be consistently out of bed by 7 on weekdays.
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June 29th, 2009 theo
I just stabbed myself with a pencil accidentally. It doesn’t hurt too much but i’ve got a hole in the meat of the mount below my right ring finger. Is that Jupiter?
Warning: There is a serious spoiler for Dead Poet’s Society at the end. If you haven’t seen it, go watch it now. Or don’t blame me for learning about the ending.
I watched dead poet’s society on saturday. This is one of my favorite movies, but as it neared the end i realized that i hadn’t watched it in a long time (at least three years) and some of my feelings had changed. I still love it, but i always empathized most strongly with Neil or Todd before, and now i find myself empathizing with Professor Keating far more than any of the students. I also find that i have a greater understanding of newanda, who used to seem shallow and weak to me. And i was very surprised, and confused with myself over my reaction to Neil. It says a lot that i used to identify with a character i now have a great deal of anger and contempt for.
I’m no longer the kid who’s likely to off myself any day. I’m not biding time or struggling against any unjust parental regime. I’m not the young man who spent two years in a loveless relationship because it was better than loneliness. I’m not afraid of speaking my truth or sharing my passions or fears, nor am i afraid of the consequences.
Like Keating, i know what i have to offer and I’m trying to fulfill that potential every day, often by thwarting a perceived authority knowing there may be unpleasant consequences for my actions. And like Keating, i often have to consider my actions carefully. Is the information or encouragement that i offer going to be detrimental to the person I’m sharing it with?
This last question is a major thematic thought for me lately. I’ve always chosen to err on the side of safety, keeping my words back when i had doubt about their usefulness, or if i worried they would harm more than help. I’m questioning this recently, because sometimes it seems that my caution causes more problems than it solves. I’ve yet to determine if my value towards the rights of the divine self to operate free from influence are indeed as sacred as i treat them.
One of my longest-held, and most dear ethics is that i do not interfere in the lives of those around me unless asked to do so. And when asked i do not try to shape people into the person i think they should be. I believe in helping them become the person they want to be, even if i disagree with their choices or beliefs. I have been tempted to flout that ethic on more than one occasion, but for the most part i have refrained from doing so.
That ethic does not seem to be in danger of changing any time soon, but one of the patterns that has evolved from it has been called into question a few times recently. I do my best not to interfere in other peoples choices, and will not try to force you down a path that you don’t want to take. This raises a dilemma when I believe that path will hurt or damage other people. It is the dilemma of the pacifist. If the path we’re talking about is “I have a gun and I’m going to shoot him.” my choice is clear. I’m not a pacifist and I’ll use force if I have to. But there is a lot more gray here than I wish there were.
If I believe, or suspect that a particular path, or choice, will lead to pain or destruction, do I have an obligation to try and prevent that? In all but the most clear cases (as above) I tend to think that I do not have the authority to intervene. Personal responsibility demands that people act according to their nature and accept the consequences. I tend to believe that preventing someone from making mistakes is generally not doing them a favor, even if it saves them, or someone else, a great deal of pain in the immediate.
But lately, I’ve been feeling a greater authority in these matters. I’ve been questioning where I draw that line. How certain of doom do I have to be before it’s okay to intercede? I don’t have an answer right now, but I’m thinking about it a lot.
And of course that’s all bound up in Dead Poet’s Society and Professor Keating. John Keating has an opportunity to change the lives of his students. And he uses it well. He gives them the tools, knowledge, and power to make their own choices and course in life. But with that opportunity, he takes on an element of responsibility for what his students do with the tools he’s given them. In the tragic instance of Neil, it means questioning himself. If he had chosen to help Neil get by, help him survive the crushing burden of his families expectations he may have lived to make his own choices. Instead he helped Neil to soar, to insist upon his right to his life, and in so doing helped Neil make the choice to die.
One of the lessons that we are supposed to take away from Dead Poet’s Society is the powerful need to express yourself, and that attempting to repress your child is dangerous. These things are true, but the movie very plainly blames Neil’s parents for his suicide. The parents and the school blame Professor Keating. Keating himself, and perhaps in the end Todd, are the only ones who allow for Neil’s self responsibility. Neil chose to end his life. Regardless of what drove him to it, he exercised the most fundamental right of any living creature, that of determining how he chose to live, or not.
The realization of the film though, the stark power recognized after Neil’s suicide, is that it could have been prevented. If Neil were not the coward he is. If his father had been even slightly more compassionate. If his mother had stood up for him. If Professor Keating were a bit more aware of the danger Neil faced. If the members of the theater were more careful to verify that Neil had permission to participate. A hundred people had the opportunity to save Neil’s live. A hundred people, including Neil himself dropped the ball.
The lesson here is that every person in a life counts. Everyone has the opportunity to make a difference. Every one of us is connected. Every one of us touches countless people each day, and trite thought it is, we affect each of them.
I’m not some guru who gives blessings to every person I meet. I do not have the discipline to focus upon the holy with every interaction and moment. There are days when It is all I can do to treat myself with compassion, let alone the world around me.
I do try though. I try to be aware of the people around me, how I’m affecting them and how they’re affecting me. Occasionally I’ll say a prayer for someone, or cast a spell for them, because I perceive they have need of it. Sometimes I’ll make a point of catching someones eye and smiling, or saying hi, because I think they need to be touched, or because I have need of that connection myself. And that is what I can offer.
My attention as best I can. My love, as free as it can be. My words, be they leaden or full of grace.
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June 29th, 2009 theo
Yesterday was Pride. The Brotherhood marched, and had a whole lot of fun while we were at it. I’ve never been to the parade before, the crowds are a bit much for me, so marching yesterday was my first direct exposure to it. It was very interesting, seeing all the people who came out. The cover of the Sun-Times this morning estimates that 450,000 people came to pride yesterday. That’s a staggering number. Almost half a million. That’s amazing.
Amatheon asked later, a question that I myself had pondered a few times as we walked down broadway. The sidewalks were stacked 15 and 20 people deep. All of them cheering and yelling and clapping. I thought about Stonewall and my queer predecessors, and I had to wonder, what would it be like if all those people were full of vitriol instead of excitement? If they were not there to support us, but to boo and supress us. It was a depressing thought.
Near the end of the route, there were three encampments of protesters. It was interesting. Not because they were there, but because of how many of them there were. That is to say, not many at all. Each encampment was very small. There were maybe 50 all told between them. And after wards, the side of the route was filled with people holding signs that say things like “God Loves you!” Out of thousands of thousands of people, 50 were there to tell us we are going to hell. That was a powerful contrast to the somewhat morose memories/thoughts about stonewall era marches. It reminded me how far we’ve come, and made me extremely proud of my community and the culture of acceptance that is supporting it.
Afterwards several of us went to Standard India for a buffet dinner, then back to Amatheon’s place for an evening of good, string, drinks and companionship. It was really nice to hang out with my brothers and spend some non-business time together. We haven’t gotten to do that much lately, and I for one thuroughly enjoyed myself.
As I walked home from Jim’s place (I caught a cab most of the way north with him, then walked the last mile or so), I checked my email and was surprised to see a rush of activity on the Brotherhood list. I posted a short email the other day, letting people know that my brothers and I were working on a Leather & Spirituality blog called LeatherSpirit (leatherspirit.wordpress.com). A gentleman posted a response basically saying “I’m upset that this was posted here and I think it’s way off topic. Isn’t the Brotherhood supposed to be about seeking the light, this leather stuff is for IML and doesn’t belong.”
I wrote the list guidelines, so I know well that the post was not off-topic or out of bounds, but ignoring that I was a little surprised by his anger, frustration, and confusion. I see the work of the trickster here, or the Shaman. There is power in conflict, and the members of the list responded admirably.
I’m happy, excited, and humbled by the response from brothers and other people on the list, essentially addressing his thoughts and concerns, and supporting our exploration of Leather and Spirituality. The responses reminded me of one of the things that I appreciate about the Brotherhood. Our diversity and strength. For truth, we are not the most diverse group of people, but we have a very wide range of beliefs, worldviews, opinions, and practices amongst us, and that is what I believe makes us strong.
I’ll send my own response to the list later today, addressing the points that I don’t think other respondents have yet spoken to.
Saturday was also an interesting day. I did more Saturday than I’ve done in weeks, just in terms of sheer productivity. I did something like 9 or 10 loads of laundry (everything I own is now clean). I cleaned my bedroom, the living room, the study, and the litter box. I did the dishes, baked brownies, made two pillow cases, and mended six or seven pairs of pants. Oh, and I reconfigured my desk to put my free-space on my right side instead of my left. I much prefer it there.
So all in all, a very full, but positive, weekend.
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June 26th, 2009 theo
John, George, and I were talking last night, and an interesting question came up. If someone knows nothing about paganism, other than that it exists, and they ask about it, how do you introduce them to it? Paganism is such a mixed bag of traditions, practices, mythologies, groups, and philosophies; What does an absolute n00b need to survive?
We thought of some book recommendations depending on the bent of the person. For an academic bent: Drawing down the moon. A dogmatic/practical/structured bent: Wicca: A guide for the Solitary Practitioner. A philisophical bent: Evolutionary Witchcraft. A curious bent: Paganism.
But in the end we agreed on one thing. The best way to get to know paganism is to hang out with pagans. Having become pagan and practiced for years without much community contact, I know how much having regular access to other actual pagans living the life helped me understand my spirituality.
No matter how well we explain paganism, it’s various groups and habits, I’m not sure we can really prepare a person for actually meeting pagans. John and George feel a bit differently, but this is my blog. 
With the exception of a few things, I kind of think it’s better not to give people too many expectations and let them come to their own conclusions.
I’m often surprised by the way people feel about one group or another and how different it is from my perceptions. I’ve learned a lot from letting people have their own experience before sharing my thoughts. It’s made me a much more open and accepting person, and someone who see’s the value and strength in traditions and practices that I might not agree with. It’s also made me a bit intolerant of the idea of telling people what they should be experiencing.
That’s become a big part of my practice and teaching. I spend a lot of time, perhaps too much, exploring the perceptions of other people, their opinions about those things, and helping them come to their own preferences and discernments. I’m a question asker, and sometimes I ask leading questions, or “what if you looked at it this way” questions.
But even when I am leading someone by the nose, I stay open to the possibility that they might not come to the conclusion or experience that I am trying to lead them towards. I try to trust the Divine in this, that if someone is meant to see what I’m trying to show them they will.
So yeah. The point is, paganism, like all religions, is less about how it is defined and more about the experience of it. Which is one more reason why I’m fed up with the need of our community to fight about what we call things and how we define things. How many definitions of magic do we have? Hell, how many spellings of it do we have? But anyone who has experienced it knows what it is.
Just a thought on that note. Sometimes the strongest conceptual understanding can not be defined. We know what magic is, but it evades succinct effective definition. I suspect that this is because it is such a core piece of our experience as pagans that we can not define it outside of that context. Perhaps the solution is to stop trying to define it, or explain it. If we let it be the word we use to refer to the undefinable experience of the manifestation of divine Will.
Almost to work now.
Namaste,
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