Extremely busy day at work today. I didn’t even get to work on any of the large issues. I spent most of the day triaging interface issues that should have been simple for the users to correct themselves. And yet.
Most of the people who were released from their positions mid-month have their last day and exit-interviews tomorrow. All of my co-workers seem more than a little annoyed and stressed. Some of it is just because it’s hard to lose co-workers like this, but a lot of it is just undue stress thanks to the way the company is managed. Our HR director is incompetent, dogmatic, and apparently cruel in her own right.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m aware that HR is a crappy job, but a lot of people seek it out. I suspect the people that are attracted to HR are often the same people that are attracted to police work. Petty tyrants with barely enough brains to remember their computer password with fair consistency. I’ve worked with exactly one HR rep who was friendly, courteous, and helpful to me. One. I’ve actually had more positive experiences with police officers than with HR.
I’m having second thoughts about my decision to stick it out in my current position. One of my coworkers who lost her job just received an offer that is very substantial. Another has potential employers caught in a bidding war over her. The market is good for my skill set and presentation ability.
I’m not going to bail just yet. I want to see how things flow once the reduced team is up and running. I’m particularly interested in how flexible and comfortable the work environment is. Hopefully things will work out well.
I keep telling myself that money isn’t everything, that there are many other more important things to concern myself with. It’s true, but a large part of me keeps coming back to how much easier some aspects of my life would be if I commanded a salary more in line with my intelligence and skill-set. I do realize that I’m underpaid for my abilities and performance. Underpaid by quite a bit. I won’t accept that forever, but for now I have enough. I suppose I’m not mercenary enough. Perhaps loyalty is a mistake when it comes to business sense. I’ll find out soon enough.
It’s feeling like a good morning. I had an interesting dream last night. I don’t remember all of it. But it was gave me an idea for a really interesting pair of characters. I think she belongs in the same story/universe that Jared and Gregory belong to. I’m not sure if the other character is supposed to be one of those two, or if he’s someone that I don’t recognize yet.
Imagine a girl who was never given a name as a child, and who has refused to take one. No, I’m not talking about the Childlike empress. This is difference. She lets people call her by their own personal nicknames for her, but she is looking for a name. She sees this guy who is smart and creative and seems to be extremely observant. She falls for him instantly and says “perhaps upon observing me, you could give me a name.”
Very mysterious, quasi-mythological character there. She’s dark-haired, thick and deep deep rown with honey colored eyes and dark olive skin. She’s tall for a woman, just over six foot, and in shape, but curvaceous for certain.
I’m meeting Coriander tonight for more lessons in ceremonial and goetic workings. It should be exciting and enjoyable. May be a bit of a late night though, we are’t starting until he gets home from work, probably around 9-ish or so. I’m going to try and bring Matthews stuff back to his place tonight too so it won’t be in my apartment anymore. It will be nice to have most of the Floor space in the living room back.
I should get paid this morning. That will make me happy. I like money. Then I can pay some of my bills and maybe spend a little money on me. I also have to find time to get a license plate sticker for my car, and a city sticker.
It promises to be a busy day at work today. There are several issues to explore, and several just flat out simple changes or modifications to interfaces and data-models. When it rains, it pours. I’ve been busier in the last three days than I have in the last month.
Have you ever noticed that most of the people that surround you are stupid, and most of the things you’re supposed to do in life are a waste of time?
I’m not a normal person. I don’t spend my time doing normal things. I’m a nerd, and I’m geeky about several things. I don’t really watch television, and I spend a lot of time in contemplation of self and the world. As I’ve struggled with growing up in a world that’s hostile to individuation on principle, and individuals in general I’ve learned a few things that have been cropping up in my life.
One: You can’t rely on anyone, especially yourself.
There are no absolutes. Everyone is absolutely reliable dependent on their nature and the stimulus they’re exposed to. I don’t truly know the nature of anyone, and I certainly do not know the wholeness of their experience in the present, let alone in the future. Therefore it is ultimately impossible for me to have truly accurate expectations of behavior of anyone. This goes double for myself. I may have a better idea of my nature than anyone else, but I’m fucked up too. Don’t fool yourself about it.
Listen to Buddha. Release your expectations.
Two: Anything is possible.
Ten years ago I thought I was straight and headed for marriage. Five years ago I thought spirit-work was for the weak. Four years ago I thought I’d never join a tradition. Three years ago I thought I’d be doomed to clerical work for the rest of my life. A month ago I only used ceremonial magic when I had to.
Today none of these things are true. If I were the type to have expectations, I would suspect that next year I will discover that I am actually a sea-serpent experiencing a wild dream of a reality that couldn’t exist.
If you see the Buddha, Kill the Buddha. Then realize that there is no such thing as death and dismiss the illusion.
Three: Your teachers can’t see your path.
Your teachers will always think they know what’s best for you. Often they will be right. More often they will be wrong. Trust them implicitly, but learn to recognize your own needs and path amidst the vision they have for you.
I’ve encountered this too many times with my own teachers, in school, magic, and life. Things may have been easier if I’d recognized it years ago. My teachers in many things have been wise and strong, and they have given me gifts and lessons that I am grateful for. I see though, that it’s my machete that cuts the path before me, not theirs. Placing your own feet upon the steps of another in adherence to the path leads you to ignorance of the scenery and ultimately failing to learn the lessons you’re being taught.
Walk beside your teacher. Watch his actions and model those that resonate. Solve the problems that he can’t. When the time comes, dispatch him (metaphorically speaking… mostly).
Most importantly!:
Consider, Intuit, and Act from a place of sincerity and love. This is not the only way, but I do not believe there is a better one.
One of those wild mornings. I slept about 5 hours or so, tops. I feel fine, just a little tired. This is going to be one of those weeks. Tonight is my only free evening, and I’ll probably spend it doing laundry.
John left for Missouri earlier this morning. He’ll be gone about ten days, that’s a long time. I kinda want to take a nap. There is sort of a geeky cute guy on the train. Not gorgeous, just cute. He’s huddled in the corner by the door reading a book and trying to disappear.
I’m listening to Linkin Park: Meteora to keep me awake and help me grow more awake during the train ride. It’s not helping as much as I’d like. I want to crawl back into my bed with my kitty and cuddle. It’s mornings like this when I wish I had a regular bed partner to encourage slothly cuddly behavior on my part.
I’ve got to do a lot of table comparisons at work today. That will be fun. Then I have to try and install/update a reporting services installation to see what works/doesn’t work. It promises to be a full and rather interesting day, which is very happy on the not-falling-asleep-at-my-desk side of things.
it’s 7:40 and I’m on the el home. I’m missing a meeting as I write this. I got stuck at work late and couldn’t make it. I hate it when that happens.
I’ll probably get home and go get some food around 8:30 or so. I’ve got a full week ahead of me. Tomorrow is the only evening that I don’t have a commitment after I get off work. Exciting!
I’ve been thinking a lot about authority figures. I began writing an essay on authority and it’s relationship to neo-pagan religion, particularly my experiences with the Brotherhood the other day. The same issue has been rising for me for months now. Authority is a bias that only I can assign, and ultimately nobody has authority over my life but me. I’ve encountered numerous issues where I’ve had to challenge or flout authority in the past year.
On Sunday I went to Patrick’s second Saturn return celebration and joined in community to welcome him to elderhood. One of the themes of the afternoon was the recognition of self-authority instead of external authority, and this is typically one of the lessons of Saturn’s first return (which is probably near for me, if not already present, being 28 now).
I’ve been realizing that just becuase I respect and often agree with one method of doing something, or with one mode of behavior, doesn’t mean I have to always agree with it or obey it’s tenets.
I’m meeting with Coriander later this week for some more training in ceremonial magic, which is very exciting. I’ve been having some success lately with balancing the strict structure of ceremonial magic and ritual with my own tendency towards wild energy. I’ve also had some revelations and reminders about using/channeling the energy of godhead through ceremonial magic, which is counter to my natural instinct.
I’m listening to the soundtrack to Fame! the Musical. It’s a lot of fun. Most people think it’s cheesy, and it is, but it’s very enjoyable to me.
This is kind of a random catch-all post. I’m in that sort of scattered mood. I need to put some thought into Kevin as well. Just turn my attention towards him and the spirits around him so I can best serve him tonight and in the future. John is joining us for dinner, so that will be fun. I’m not sure what I want to eat. Probably chicken strips, cause they’re delicious. Or maybe Kevin and I will split a pizza, if he likes the same shit i do.
He sits cross-legged on the floor in the center of the little room. His skin is bare to the purified air except for a pool of cotton around his waist. The only light radiates from a small sphere that sits on a low table before him. The light is flowing gradually from one color to another. White, red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet, then white again. The illumination is like liquid, sliding over the floor and walls, easing up the young mans still form and pouring down the legs of the table to the floor.
As he concentrates, the orb begins rise from the table, steadily levitating until it is above his head, showering it’s light upon his pale scalp. Gregory flexes his mental effort slightly and the light brightens to the warm glow of a setting sun. He focuses for a moment and fixes the orb where it rests, hovering in the air near the ceiling and uncrosses his legs. He rolls up onto the balls of his feet and the pool of fabric slides down his legs, leaving only his toes and heels exposed. He moves the table into the corner and returns to the center of the room, almost missing the presence of a man standing in the dark of the next room, just out of the lights glow.
“Who’s there?” He asks, wondering why anyone would be here at this time of night. Nothing he was doing was anything they hadn’t seen him do and studied for months already. There was no reason for them to be surprised.
“It’s me.” Jared says, his voice soft as he steps into the light. Gregory pauses for a moment when he sees the young orderly. Not wearing his white uniform, but dressed all in black. The fabric was tight to his torso, it’s sleeves ending about four inches above the wrist, where a silver band circles his right wrist. His black hair braided tightly and pulled up behind his head. Gregory has a momentarily chaotic vision of the other mans body pressed against his, skin sliding together, generating heat through friction and exertion.
Jared’s expression quirks for a moment, arching an eyebrow. He blinks and seems to refocus. “If you want to leave we have to go now. I can’t stay after tonight.”
“What? Why? What’s going on?”
“We don’t have time for all your questions Gregory. I don’t know that we have time to be talking here. You need to trust me.”
“Why should I trust you?”
“Because,” he smiles and extends his hand, “you aren’t alone in the world.” His hand opens and above the palm a purple flame springs to life, dancing in the air, shooting sparks up towards the glowing orb that still hovers near the ceiling.
I am not human. Not truly. Not in the ways that actually matter. I suppose what matters is actually rather subjective. The body I posess looks human enough. I have twenty digits. Two eyes. Two arms. Two legs. A head. A penis.
My organs are human, if somewhat oddly functioning. My heart beats about ten times each minute during strenuous activity. While asleep it is far less. I have never been ill. I have never had an infection.
They tell me that my genetic material is unusual, that it is not human. How different they do not say. I only know that I can do things that my parents couldn’t, that nobody human could.
I have felt different for nearly a decade now, ever since my parents brought their holy child to the Doctor to show him what I could do.
I moved my fingers and swirled the coffee in the doctors cup. I used to do it to amuse my baby sister. I’d sprinkle some pepper into the water and swirl it around until a miniature tornado moved inside the glass.
I have not seen my parents or sister since.
They tell me that I am not human. I have always believed them, but now I doubt. What is it that defines a human? Is it our bodies? Our genes? Our soul?
I feel human. My heart hurts for the parents that I will never see again. I am lonely, and I will never have anyone to love, because I will never be allowed to leave this place. I long for the life I might have had, although I can hardly imagine it. If I could, I would leave this place, with it’s pale orange walls and sterile floors. But I will never be able to do so.
I will stay here until I die, unless Jared keeps his promise to me…
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