11:10 pm:
And I’m typing.
I’m typing words that feel
…….like they don’t really mean anything,
and yet they must mean something.
11:11 pm:
And I’m still typing.
Staring at the screen blankly
…….waiting for things to make sense to me,
and yet I don’t sense epiphany on the horizon.
11:12 pm:
And I’m listening.
Typing quietly as I listen to
…….Lady Vagabond, sung in proud-voiced fire,
and yet there is still this silence beneath me.
11:13 pm:
And I’m closing my eyes.
Thinking of deleting the green
…….characters that have moved across the screen,
and yet I continue typing.
11:14 pm:
And I’m feeling so alone.
I smile, because I always write
…….bad poetry when I’m feeling alone like this,
and yet I still feel alone.
11:15 pm:
And I’m going to jerk off now.
I smile, wanly, I’ll probably just go to
…….sleep instead, jerking off holds no draw tonight,
and yet It might make me feel.
I’m sitting in a dark room, with only the sound of my fingers striking the keys (softly, I touch type), the humming of my overworked laptop, and the purring of my cat disturbing the silence of the evening. Everyone has gone off to their activities whatever they are.
Vivianne is laying on her back, lounging like some well-fed grecian princess in my lap. George is not feeling so well and has retreated to his bed, and Elizabeth to hers. Josiah is locked up with Brent in his bedroom playing video games or watching movies. Whatever the Light_Scary_Mother_Fuckers do when alone together.
Shivian and John are probably back at Shivian’s place by now. I imagine buttsex is going to be a big part of their evening, I’m happy for them. Maybe there will be rope involved as well, wouldn’t that be special? Wait… no… that would be typical. What on earth do you call it when the things that most people consider unusual, rare, or unlikely are common-place to you? Seriously, for my friends, sex without rope is kinky and unusual.
So I’ll admit to a little jealousy. Shivian has yet another adoring boy at his beck and call. Josiah and Brent seem to be getting very couply on us (not a bad thing I think). Alex has Samantha. At least George, Elizabeth, and Frank are still single. Not that I wish them ill-luck, but it’s nice to not be the only one not getting lots of sex.
So here’s the rub — I love that term by the way, it’s very british, very posh even — Even if I had the option to have lots of boysex I probably wouldn’t. I truly don’t think that I’m in the right place for carnal knowledge to be a regular feature of my adventures. I think I need time for myself. Time to focus on myself, and the things that I need in life. And I don’t have that time right now. It’s hard for me to get it, to take it.
I have to though, which is difficult because there are responsibilities that I can’t put to the side for the time being. So in order to get theo-time, I need to put aside things that I don’t want to put aside, but that aren’t integrally responsible. Four more months of Mystery School and Magister-hood for the Brotherhood. Then I am taking time for myself. I need it, and I will have earned it.
I’m wondering why I have an hour longer before I have to be at work for my new job, but I’m getting up significantly earlier than I did for my previous job. What’s with that?
A few things really.
1) I care enough about my new job to eat breakfast and present myself healthily and well in the mornings, so I’m not just rolling out of bed and taking off.
2) I don’t want to be late for the new job. I was always late for my previous job, but that was cool. I don’t yet know how flexible my schedule here is, so no chances taken.
3) It’s cool to be able to write a blog post before work.
4) I’m sleeping better because I don’t hate my job.
5) I’m being responsible and doing morning and evening devotions, and some Tai Chi / Qi Gung again. It feels good and is a great start to the day.
6) I Feel like it. Deal
So that explains why I’m up so early, but why on earth is George already up? I think he’s job searching, gotta love craigslist. But damn, he was up before I was. Elizabeth has to get on the train, so it makes sense for her to be leaving as I’m getting out of bed, but what the hell George, get some sleep!
Hmmmm… I sound a little scattered don’t I? Not enough Tai Chi I suppose. I can hear a school bus through the window, I hate that low rumble idle sound that buses make. The sun is rising, and there’s baby blue and baby pink speckles in the sky to the east. It’s kind of pretty, and kind of sickening at the same time. I prefer the deep orange glow of pre-dawn, and the twilight (duh) time before the light actually begins to spread through the sky.
Vivianne is on the prowl for something, sniffing the phone, walking across my desk and staring at the floor as though she is going to pounce on it. And there she goes, pouncing on the floor. She must see some mouse that I don’t. Well, okay, it’s time to put some clothes on and brush my hair so I can go to work and make some money. I’ll let you in on a secret. Money, it’s real nice to have around. Don’t tell anyone I told you.
The moon is waxing quickly this cycle, her pale light already diminishing noticably in the sky. She hangs above the horizon shrouded by gauzy veils of autumn mist. Her light is split into a cross by the screen outside the window, showing rays of it bursting forth in four directions.
Ah, but poetry does not seem the method of the night. Nay, though words of fluid beauty are coming from my fingers, there is a darkness that I have not overcome. I’m not entirely sure what it is I’m feeling right now. There is much in conflict within me, many things that will need resolution, that are coming to a head. And still, there is patience in me. I am waiting until my choices are made for me, and this is not a good thing.
I believe what Heinlein wrote, that we must not act until waiting is filled. But it is difficult to determine when that has happened. The darker shadows imply that waiting will be filled when you have no choice, or when the choice has been taken out of your hands, but this is only the illusion. This is not patience, but avoidance. In truth, waiting is filled when two criteria have been met.
First: You must know the action you are going to take. This may be simple or complex. It may be difficult or easy, but knowing the action that you will take is inherent.
Second: The circumstances which allow your action to affect the world as though its very fulcrum were subject to the lever of your will must transpire. The world must collaborate to put your action forth as the driving value of the moment.
When those two criteria are filled, then you may act as though waiting has been filled, but not before. And therein lies my challenge. I neither know what circumstances are at play, nor what I’m going to do when they’re set properly. So I can not truly wait. Instead I must study. I invoke my patience, my unyielding ability to sit until I have understood what I need to understand.
And yet, here I am, feeling a bit overwhelmed by the enormity of the world around me. We all have days like that I suppose. Days where the world seems too big and scary, where it seems that everything we want to do is impossible, or that the choices we’ve made in the past have turned us to a course we can not now turn away from.
So how can we deal with that feeling? I know techniques to simply wash it away, to reaffirm myself on my path. I find myself ever so tempted to do just that. Let the fears be banished so I can walk with confidence. But to do so feels like I would be denying myself the right to feel as I feel. To blindly clear the slate of the challenges that my heart is making would be a great disservice to myself and the communities that I serve.
So I struggle to find a balance point, the fulcrum of my own heart. What pieces of what I’m feeling are true? What parts of my experience are actually informing my choices? Which ones are not? If something is not informing my life, it does not belong in my life and should be cast out. So I am looking for the feelings that are incongruent with my life; the pains that have no source; the arguments that have no purpose. And I suspect I’ll find at least a few of them.
I’m a loving kind of guy. Honest. I love lots of people. I just wanted to talk about how much I love my friends and family for a few moments, cause I’m sitting here thinking about how much they mean to me.
Shivian, you are a light in my sky. You are my partner and a part of my soul. My love for you is great and unbreakable. Though I do not believe in faith, I have faith in you.
Elizabeth, A better fag-hag I couldn’t ask for. You are beautiful, celebratory, and willing to accept the ugly aspects of life with a smile and a step towards solutions. Your mirth offers the world a wealth of joyous tidings. You are a sister I never had.
Josiah, your heart has more to offer to this world than you know. I rejoice when I see the light in your eyes, and I honor the challenges and sacrifices you have made in your life.
George, you share so much of yourself with me, with us. Thank you for the love and honor you give to the world and the people in it. You may be a bitch, but you’re our bitch and I love you for it.
Mark, you are wise beyond your years, and deserve every moment of happiness that you can get. Don’t let the world demand more of you than you are willing to give. Trust your patience and instinct and you will be given the rewards you deserve.
Alex, twin of my heart, brother of my blood. Your strength and wisdom are always an inspiration to me. Whenever I am alone I know that you are there for me, and that we will never be that far apart. You are my heart and my soul.
Amatheon, honored teacher and dear friend. There is nothing I can say to you beyond that I love you, and that there are few people in this world that I admire more than you. Your constant sacrifice to the Will of your spirit is an inspiration and guidepost to me.
Kamion, dear mentor and confidant. You are far from my eyes, but near to my heart. You will never be far from my thoughts nor my love. Know that my love will always be a home and haven to you.
Coriander, I don’t know what to say to you. It is rare that I find someone else who accepts the world with your eagerness and excitement. I am humbled by the fulfillment you take from each moment of your life. I have much to learn from you.
Daniel, Oh the things I could say. I love to love you. You meet me at my level and demand that I meet you at yours. Consensus be damned, you demand not only consensus but the pleasure that equitable-communion can bring, and you get it. You dream strongly my love, and your dreams will carry your traveling into the future that you seek. I can hardly wait.
Frank, I don’t know when I fell in love with you, but somewhere along the way I did. Of all my brothers, I sometimes think that you and I have the most in common. At least, we share some particular traits that give us a rare and (I think) very beautiful and special way of looking at the world. If it takes the rest of my life, I assure you that your heart will not register upon the scales. Know that wherever you walk, you will have my support and love at your side.
To all of you whom I have not included here: You are beautiful, and you are strong. I love each of you more than you can guess. My heart is open to you all.
Star-fires child, bright and ever-burning, your fire streaks through the firmament as a constellation of it’s own. Your own sacred beauty, a thing of permanence and steady joy. A celebration of the nomads which follow your progress, their every step guided by the mysterious light that you cast.
Oh mysteries, the challenges that we find seeping through the darkness of our world, only hinted at the the shadows you cast. Yes you too have shadows. Shadows that are dark and terrifying. Shadows that cast into darkness the beauty of those nomadic souls as each dark phase passes across the sky. The demons hunt in that darkness, and your own fiery strikes can not hunt them down, for they are too quick and fierce.
No, your shadows are not things of ferocity. They are not enemies or demons to do combat with, but insidious serpents who slither in between the moments of brightness. No, your instants of attention can not banish these unconquered foes, and so they will haunt you, stalking your every moment with a patience you do not wish to posses. They wait to strike and do so, pushing you out of orbit as if it was merely the gravity of a nearby star that has drawn you. And so you journey in a new direction, always wondering what would have come of the strand of fire you were following moments ago, years ago, ages ago.
You must discipline yourself to patience oh child of the stars, whose icy tail reaches behind you as a shining legacy of your presence, affecting all around you. Your icy memories are refracting glimmers of your fire, but that prismatic glory is so faint compared to the light your nomads beg to see of you. Their souls are caught in your wake, and they gather each sparkle of light to themselves, precious as the very breath which gives them life; and yet they yearn for more. But your shadows hunt them, and they huddle around the fires they can conjure from what you do give, praying that the flames they harbor will be enough to protect them from what stalks their night.
You must discipline yourself to patience, my streaking ball of ice; you must learn to out wait your shadows. You must deny their force until it is they, and not you who lacks the patience to endure the course. You must be still and silent until your shadows attempt to force you to move again, because then their clever hands will not go un-noticed, and you might conquer them each in turn.
You must discipline yourself to patience, as even the day-star has found his place of stillness and nurtured life. You can not create from ever-present motion, but only from the quiet of the void. The wanderers who stalk your tail, yearning ever more deeply for the warmth of your own starlight, and yet you run always in motion, giving them the barest touch of your love, enough so that they will follow you always, but never enough that they might truly live. And you look behind you, gazing upon the magnificence of your trail, and the number of your followers and you rejoice in their love of you, never knowing that their patience is growing short.
You must discipline yourself to patience oh celestial being of the ancient music of the spheres of the void and cauldron. You must quiet your expansion and forgo your motion. You must stop seeking for the sake of seeking; and gather your glorious tail to yourself in the stillness of space; and you must wait until waiting is filled and the fire blossoms in your heart in earnest, filling you with the love of your nomads that you can no longer deny.
Then star child, only then, will you find the peace you don’t know you are seeking. Sit quietly. Do not sing your music merely to admire it, but where it will be heard, and where the hearing of it will be purposeful and creative. Sit quietly, and listen to the spheres that sing around you. Understand their song. Understand how your melody and harmony can complement those spheres. Sit quietly, and keep sitting until you understand patience. When you understand patience, you will no longer need to sing, because your song will be called forth from you by the very stillness you have been seeking to know. In this, is the key to your wisdom.
Two days left before the big job switch. I work today, and tomorrow, and then I leave the corporation I’ve been at for nearly seven years. The new job is a good career move. It is more money, shorter commute, better hours, and will give me experience with a wider array of industry-standard software. But of course there is a great deal of nervousness in this change. What if all the new kids don’t like me? :’(
Okay, so I’m not too worried about being liked, but I look around and realize that my world is in a little bit of chaos. All of my friends are changing jobs, out of a job, looking for new jobs, or just starting new jobs. It makes me wonder what shift is going on in the universe right now. Is this something that is going on all over, or is it localized to communities like mine? Are these shifts new, or am I just more aware of them because they have a more immediate impact on my life?
I think a big piece of it has to do with the way I’m trying to live my life now. I tried being focused on myself, living alone and taking care of myself. I found that I don’t really like it that much. Now, I’m trying to build a family. I’m trying to bring that family closer to my heart and build a lasting community that can be home to us all. For the first time, I’m thinking about what it would take to buy a house big enough for all of us, or a house with extra rooms we could turn into bedrooms. Right now I count between six and eight members of my family who should be living together, all of us. And our family keeps growing.
We need a big house, possibly just a huge building with lots of space. We need high ceilings and hardwood floors. We need a garden, yard, and a really big hot tub. I mean big. We’re talking pool size jacuzzi here.
So I’ve been thinking a lot in the last few months, about paying attention to my life. What’s going on in it. Why are these things going on, or more importantly why are these things the things that I’m NOTICING going on. At any given time, everything that can be happening, is happening. It is our perceptions that determine which of those things we notice, and which of them impact us personally. There is a resonance between what is going on in our lives personally, and what we perceive is going on in the world around us. By taking advantage of this resonance, we can evaluate ourselves based on our environment.
When I’m at home, I look at the enormous pile of laundry on the floor of my closet, and I wonder, ‘What does dirty laundry represent?’ ‘Why haven’t I done the laundry?’ — I realize, after thinking for a few moments, that the clothing I wear is representative of the masks I wear. A big piece of my life right now is trying to get away from those masks and find out who I am underneath it all. That pile of discarded clothing is a reminder of the illusions that I am shedding as I try to find what the real me is. Of course, I need to do the laundry, getting away from masks or not. Doing the laundry is a reminder to carefully choose the masks I wear. What clothing I choose to adorn myself with is a statement of how I want to be perceived, and when I do the laundry I need to look at the clothes I have worn. Are these masks that I want to wear? Are they impressions I want to give? If not, then I need to let them go.
Speaking of clothing, I’m going to need a shopping trip to the outlet mall once I start the new job. I’ve put on weight over the summer, and until I lose a bunch of it, I’m a bit low on comfortable business-casual pants. And I need new shoes. At least a couple pair. My favorite pair of New Balance are so worn that they’re falling apart. There is a bit hole in the right one at the toe, and they are ratty and worn. But they are comfortable, kind of like so many bad habits I carry around with me from day to day. I know they’re worn thin and not very useful anymore, but they are comfortable. They make me feel at ease, and so I keep them around. But like bad habits, a time comes when I need to get a new pair of shoes and put the old ones aside.
So what does it say about me that I’m struggling to build this huge family? What does it say about me that I want to live with all these other people, that while I certainly enjoy my time to myself, I also crave the constant buzz of companionship my family gives me? I haven’t really thought about it yet. Perhaps it says that I need help. Perhaps it means that I am giving myself a way to get help when I need it, a support network that can be there for me when I break down and cry. Perhaps it says that I need people who are close to me, who will see my struggles and give me the strength I need. Perhaps it says that I’m learning to let people love me again, and that letting people get close to me is the best way for me to accept that.
Perhaps it says that I love my family and I want to keep them close where I can protect them. Perhaps it says nothing other than that I feel that communal living is the right way for me to live.
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