autumn twilight

Why I don’t have a boyfriend…

Ξ October 23rd, 2007 | → 0 Comments | ∇ Friends, General, Philosophy |

Have you ever thought about the choices you make in your life? I do. Constantly. I wonder sometimes why I find myself alone in my bed at night. Why don’t I have someone to share my bed at night? Do I even want someone else in my bed more than once in a while? The last time I shared my bed on a consistent basis was when I was with my Ex-Girlfriend (who shall henceforth be referred to as she-who-shan’t-be-named). And that wasn’t all that great. I had company in bed, but I don’t recall finding peace or comfort in that bed.

Shivian asks me regularly why I haven’t gone out and found some hot Dominant guy to play with regularly. I don’t think I’ve ever given him an answer that satisfies. Sex isn’t about getting off to me. It’s about intimacy. It’s about connection, and yes, it’s about love.

Allow me to take a moment here. I use the word love a little differently than most people. Love is not a closed emotion that devotes you to one person in some sort of mystical connection. Love is far simpler, and it is this simplicity that causes us to misunderstand it so often. Love is simply connection. Love is honest connection between people. It has only two qualifications. One is honesty. Love requires honesty. The other is that love does not ask anything in return. Love does not demand reciprocation.

So with that clear, let me continue. To me, sex, and all that comes with it is always about love. It is about connection. So I ask myself, is this why I don’t just go around getting sex? The answer is no. I truly am polyamorous. I find that finding connection, finding love, is the least of my challenges.

A little back story. Approximately 30 seconds after I say the following sentence, “I miss playing with Daniel.” Shivian will say “You need to find another play partner.” We’ve had this conversation at least a dozen times. I inevitably follow up with “I’m considering it, I just don’t know what I want right now.” I’m not lying here, I really don’t know what I want.

To be clear, Daniel is a member of the Brotherhood of the Phoenix. I consider him a close friend and confidant. He is my mentor in more ways than one, and I value him dearly. He is also my sometimes paramour, by which I mean he enjoys tying me up and leaving bruises for the next day. Daniel and I are, by mutual consent, not currently being intimate in any of the usual sexual patterns. We have our reasons, and I’m not sure they’re fit for public consumption, trust that they are powerfully compelling and good reasons. That said, I do miss that particular flavor of sharing in our relationship. I look forward to a time when we choose to engage in a deepening of that portion of our relationship again.

So I do miss Daniel. But I am not holding on to him. I learned long ago that I can’t wait for people, when I do I find myself hurt and resentful. I’m not waiting for Daniel, and I’m not trying to be true to him, or some antiquated notion of sexuality. But I’m not being overly active in trying to find another person to leave marks on me either.

I suppose it’s fair to acknowledge some of the reasons for that. There are plenty. For one, there is a nagging voice inside of me that tells me I’m not sexually attractive to other people. I identify the pain that this voice causes me. I work to fight it, and I often succeed. But the truth is, I do not always believe that I am beautiful. I do not always feel worthy of intimacy, or love. In honesty, I feel strongly that trying to create a relationship while I fight this battle with myself is not fair to myself or anyone I may become involved with. As I mentioned, I don’t believe in monogamy, nor do I feel drawn to making sex more than it is, but I can’t share that part of myself without sharing love. And if I share love, I must be honest, and my honesty judges harshly.

And I wonder, is it hypocritical to preach love when I so often have trouble loving myself? Can I share love if I don’t have it for myself? I think I can. I think my family shows me that my love is true, and their love of me can not be questioned.

So other issues. I am painfully shy, in more ways than the usual. Some of those who know me will protest this to the end of the earth, but I must declare it’s truth. I can not be measured by my actions or successes, but by the challenges I personally face. I am a naturally shy person, I learned early in my life to draw gently away from human contact that is not assuredly safe. It is a constant struggle for me to override thes patterns, but I do, and so I appear to be the prodigal extrovert. As with so much in our society, but another mask I wear.

I am painfully shy, and I do mean painfully. My shyness hurts. It makes me lonely, it drains me to combat it, it urges me to hide away and let my sadnesses overtake me, and there are days when I give in to that gentle nothingness. The pain can overtake me in seconds, and I ride it, letting it pump through my veins until it has been exhausted. I can feel it drain away then, passing from me like an emotional urination.

And this, you see, makes my lack of self-love all the more difficult. For my shyness is ever more powerful when mingled with self-doubt or hatred, and that shyness can drive me to the silence of the void ever more quickly, and I shudder to confront that.

So here I am, sitting at my desk on Tuesday night letting the green text scroll up my screen (I use DarkRoom for Windows). And a part of me wants to share my bed with someone tonight, but a part of me values my solitude. There is a part of me that does not feel fit to share myself, if I can not love myself in the midst of that. Perhaps I am rationalizing so I don’t have to meet the challenges of my shyness. Perhaps I value my sorrow for the way it sets me apart, for the strength of self it lets me demonstrate, for continuing to survive.

Meh, whatever it is I’m no longer in the mood to write about it. Now I’m just horny. (Shivian sent me a hot picture of two really beautiful zombie-boys from Toronto which I’ve been staring at through the text {Love to DarkRoom transparency}, I’d post it but I’m not sure of the source, and I don’t like to infringe copyrights. I’ll see about posting it if I can.)

Update: Shivian saw the above and sent me the source. Take a look at it here ( http://wvs.topleftpixel.com/07/10/22/ ) It’s the second one from the top.

Family of my heart.

Ξ October 22nd, 2007 | → 0 Comments | ∇ Culture, Friends, General, Philosophy |

Yesterday (2007 10 21, Sunday) I went to a service at the Center on Halsted by Pillar of Love. The Brotherhood was asked to give an opening benediction. Being devoted to interfaith work, and friends of this congregation we obliged gladly.

But I’m not really intending to write about our work in the community. This is not the place for that. The service yesterday had a single powerful message, one that was more potent than most people would realize. The message, or what message I received, is a simple one, that many of us forget.

Family has nothing to do with our differences, nor our similarities. Family has everything to do with Love. This is the season of balance, although we are fast approaching the dark tide of Samhain, the winter months are not here yet. This is the time to remember the convergence of opposites, the places where we find our own unique balance points, find the stability in that knowledge to let us walk bravely in the world without fear.

I am blessed to have family that is strong and noble, family that gives me the strength to spend every day of my life out of the closet, to acknowledge myself as the key to living a happy and fulfilling life. There are no separations but those that we create out of fear or hatred. We are the gifts that are given unto the world each day and night, and how we spend those gifts is the true measure of man. We can spend those gifts wastefully, squandering them on the effort that it takes to build walls, or we can spend them creating families.

I for one, choose to create families. I am blessed in that I grew up in a strong family, and not a day goes by that I don’t honor the strength I have been given through that. And now, I am working to create my own family. True, I am not related to them by any blood bond, nor even a bond of true similarity (although it would be foolish to pretend that there are not many things we share). No, the family that I am building is based on the simple concept of love. I have found people that I deem worthy of love, who are willing to offer me their love, who are willing to make new communities with me. There is nothing but beauty in love, however it manifests, and I will challenge anyone who says otherwise.

Because in the end, love transcends sexuality and gender, religion and creed. Love transcends these things and many more, because it is honest. Love is the center of the Divine spirit, the Queer Spirit, and the Spirit of Humanity. And it is because of this that I base my family on love, and try every day to share that love without hesitation or question.

The Nature of Discipline

Ξ September 29th, 2007 | → 0 Comments | ∇ Friends, General, Philosophy |

I’m not the person you’d suspect of sitting down to write about discipline. Well, I might be, if you were talking about corporal punishment. Or the use of pain-inducing implements in the bedroom. But personal discipline? I’ve never had it.

If there’s money in my pocket, I spend it. If it’s something I don’t particularly want to do, I avoid it. I’m a procrastinator. But lately I’ve found that I’m having less trouble making my plans stick. My goals seem to be functional. I’m ‘Getting Things Done,’ to use the catch-phrase of the day.

So I look at the things that have been getting done. I cleaned my room on Monday, and it’s still clean. I mean, still absolutely spotless. The laundry is all hung, and the dirty stuff is in the laundry bag. This may seem very small, but it is not. First of all, I don’t finish things; secondly, I never keep things up more than a day or two. I’m just not like that. Shivian will be shocked as hell when he learns that the room has been clean almost a week. My car too, been clean over a week (well, there’s no trash on the floor anyway).

I’ve been writing. Prolifically. This is my sixth post in four days. And I’ve been writing in my journals too (the really juicy stuff ;). I’ve gotten projects done at work. I gave up soda-pop 8 days ago, and I haven’t given in yet.

I’ve been doing daily meditative and magical practice. I’ve been learning about myself.

So what has changed? Why on earth am I suddenly able to overcome my procrastination in these areas, and why doesn’t it feel like anything has changed? Ok, so it’s clear that something has changed, there is that whole ‘feeling free’ thing that I’ve been figuring out this week. The change isn’t across the board. I don’t find myself suddenly motivated to do some of the more unpleasant or boring tasks that I find on my desk. I procrastinate with them. I procrastinate gloriously. I am the king of procrastinators. I might one day invent a time machine so I can procrastinate more efficiently.

It’s clear that my patterns haven’t really changed. The difference, is that I find I really really really want to do these things. Badly. It’s suddenly important to me that I take the time to blog daily wherever possible. I feel good doing my devotions and magical exercises. I feel fulfilled when I write in my journals.

It’s not that I didn’t feel fulfilled by these behaviors in the past, but it’s as though there was some sort of non-impetus behind them. As though I would turn to them when I needed that feeling of fulfillment. I almost wonder if not doing the things I like to do (And I enjoy all these things immensely) is some sort of weird self-inflicted penance for a perceived failing. It’s as good a theory as any. If that’s so then, why don’t I feel guilty anymore? Is it because I realized that I can be myself and don’t have to let myself be judged? Is it because I recognize how special I am and feel that I deserve to be loved? (Now THAT’S a cheesy statement. WOW.)

Whatever it is, I’m curious about it, and I’ll be trying to figure it out as the days wear on. The moon has begun to wane, and this phase may slide with it. But I don’t think it will. It doesn’t feel like it will. If I keep this up for a whole moon cycle, just think what I can do next cycle!

Haiku: Anti-Emo Style

Ξ August 30th, 2007 | → 0 Comments | ∇ Friends, Poetry |

A brief poem by Theo, Lizzie, George, Shivian, and Frank.

your poem is shitty
haiku hates your emo poem
refrigerator

This happened because we were sitting around the other night, goofing off after a yummy stew made by George. Somehow we started talking about emo people, and then all of a sudden Elizabeth says ‘Haiku Hates your Emo Poem’

Of course, I said, ‘Wait, that’s not a haiku!” and then, after a discussion in which we determined that a Haiku is 5-7-5, and a few minutes of laughing, we have the anti-emo haiku you see above.