a Change…
Ξ March 26th, 2008 | → | ∇ General, Paganism, Philosophy |
There is a quiet certainty in the air. As though something has ended. As though something has begun. How do you describe a feeling that we don’t have true words for in English? Perhaps not in any language.
It is not expectancy. It is not finality. It is not anxiety or fulfillment. It is not completion. It is change. Do you understand? Can you understand? Can someone who is not a witch truly understand what I say when I say ‘There has been a change.’? Imagine that the world is a great body of water. Deeper than the oceans, but as clear as the most pure stream of snowmelt. Utterly clear, but so deep you can not see the bottom. This body of water is never quite still, but you very rarely see the ripples and changes that go across it. You see their affects. You see that the water seemed green, and now seems blue. You see the reflection of the clouds that aren’t actually floating in the sky. You see them move across the water, but you can’t see how the water itself is moving.
Then you see a clear distinct ripple across the surface of the water. The water is so vast that you can’t possibly determine the source from your vantage, but the ripple is clear and perfect, and where the ripple has passed the water is changed forever. This is the change I am talking about. And you do not see it. You feel it. A witch feels when there is a shift. When a stone is dropped into the depths of that water, or when water is removed. This is what I mean when I say “There has been a change.”
I feel quiet and patient. I feel the change, and I am affected by it. Of course, we know that one is always changed by perception. By perceiving the thing you are imediately changed by your very perception of the thing. Still, this affects me deeply. I do not know to what extent, just that it is there. I do not fear this change, in truth it feels as though I have been waiting for it. As though the proverbial other shoe has dropped, and clattered to the floor. A soft soled shoe onto an area rug that has muffled it’s impact.
I’ve been spending a lot of time lately trying to determine who I am now that I do not have so many roles to play. For three years I have filled a variety of roles for the Brotherhood of the Phoenix. I have been a student, a teacher, a leader, a follower, a visionary. Who am I without those roles. For now at least I am none of these things, at least not officially. Who is the person who has filled those roles? What do I do now that I do not have these structures hovering about me, defining my place in the world?
There is a part of me that craves them. That is searching for new structures to take their place. Consciously though, I am rejecting that. I can not define myself merely by the roles that I fill. It is clear that I must find a structure, but I can not find a structure that is of any creation but my own. If I am to define the role of theo, I must define it myself, with care and precision. I must reevaluate the things that are important to me. I should look at my chart of six this week and reevaluate it in the light of my unsettling lack of roles.
There is much work to do there, much to discover, but there are some things that I’ve found I know without putting too much work into it. I am meant to share myself with the world. With my words, with my body, with my spirit. I am the crucible, the vessel of transformation. There is an innate ability to contain, to impose limitations upon the world around me, that is too often shown in my life to be without purpose. But I know that I can not be that vessel until I have been that vessel for myself. This is why it is so essentially important that I create a structure in which to live. That structure must be strong, and it absolutely must be of my own creation, for I will never be able to contain a truly bright fire if I can not contain my own.
