My Greatest Fear:
Ξ March 5th, 2008 | → | ∇ General |
I learned something important today, as I arrived home on the El. You can tell what a persons values are by looking at their actions. Their purported value system is only meaningful if it is supported by the actions they take.
I realized this, because I was thinking about how important teaching is to me. You see, one of my greatest fears is that I won’t like the person I’m becoming. Even I think it’s kind of silly, but I’ve been afraid of it for a long time anyway. It’s a reasonable fear, because one of the most serious drives in my life has always been power.
I grew up in the suburbs of Chicago. I went to a decent public school. We didn’t have a lot of gang violence, or violence at all. We had a good music program that I was part of. But my school years, from early grade school through graduation were primarily a blur of abuse and ridicule by my peers, and sometimes by teachers. Don’t mistake me, I was never beat up. I never came home to my loving family with bruises or scars. But I was socially abused by more people than I care to recount.
Somewhere along the line, in early high school, I began to practice witchcraft. At the time it was not a religion to me. It was a way to be free of the world. I could close my eyes and lose myself in the spirit world for hours. I didn’t know then how special this gift was, but I felt it was special because it gave me power. Magic grew in me, and I embraced it. It was one of my little secrets, one of the things that kept me going when it seemed as though I had nothing else to live for.
I recall the feelings of awe and wonder when I first read Sybil Leeks Diary of a Witch. I understood what she was talking about. I had power, and that power gave me the self-confidence I needed to survive.
But with that power I also found my fear. One does not survive emotional battering from ones peers without a great deal of anger. I began to have dreams, some of them terrifying. Imagine how a sensitive 16 year old would feel if he accidentally killed someone because he got angry and hit him in the throat. Because his anger got the best of him and he couldn’t control himself.
Now imagine that on the scale of war. Imagine that same child losing control of his anger and lashing out with his newfound power. I had dreams where I was surrounded by dead bodies. I had dreams where I was all alone, standing in the middle of a desert that I knew I had caused.
“Here I am, Alone, standing in the ashes of my great creation.”
So I found myself conspiring to ensure that could never happen. No matter how much I was hurting, I would never allow myself to give into my anger or rage. How could I, when my dreams told me terrible things would happen if I did? Much of this was not truly thoughts, just knowings in my mind.
So I have been afraid that I am seeking power. I’m afraid that I want that power to enact my anger and grief. I’m afraid, that if I truly posses the power I will lose control of it, and my anger will overcome me.
I realized some time ago, that I stand more chance of being overcome if I don’t carefully use my power and harness it. And so I have gradually come into my own. Along the way I found Spirit. I started honoring spirit and the wider realms. I found that I became religious. That’s not very pertinent at the moment though.
But I realized today that I don’t want power any more. I mean, I have power. I’m a strong person. I’m charismatic, willful, eloquent, and bright. I have the love and support of a strong community around me. I have, as one of my mentors once put it, “been doing the flashy magic for a while now.”
I have power, but I’m not still looking for it. My actions don’t tell me or anyone else that I want power. I don’t spend all my time trying to become better or stronger. I don’t seek to make the flashy stuff even more flashy, nor do I seek to control the people around me.
My actions tell me clearly that I’m not after power. Power, is not one of my values. It probably never has been. What have I been doing the last three years? I’ve been learning to use the gifts I was given to serve the people around me. I’ve been training myself in compassion, in counseling. I’ve learned how to use myself and my experiences to teach and guide those around me.
I learned today, that my will does not tempt me to revenge. My Will leads me to teach. It leads me to give examples and metaphors to people who need their eyes opened. It leads me to say the right thing at just the right time to inspire people.
Every action I watch myself taking is about bettering myself and my ability to teach, or actually putting forth effort to teach. I find people drawn to me when they’re in need. When they are suffering they lean into my compassion. And I do not feel walked upon. I do not feel hurt or trodden. I feel enlivened and successful. I feel congruent.
So mark one more fear down for the count.
