autumn twilight

This was written am of 2008 02 14 — got lost in the confines of my computer and lack of time to post…

I took the night off last night. I didn’t do squat. Well pretty much. I stopped at Walgreens and rented movies. Then sent George back out to rent Elizabeth: The Golden Age when it suddenly became available. It wasn’t nearly as good as Elizabeth was, but it wasn’t bad. I enjoyed it thoroughly even if it was kind of long, and a bit overdone with the fistorical aspects.

I took a bath and a long shower by candle light. My hair feels great, and the rest of me does as well. I feel almost human again, as if the worries of the last week are nearly over. Of course I should start preparing for Saturday, and for all the chaos that will ensure later this month and all of next month. But right now I am not worried about much of it. I’m relaxed as I ride the train to work.

I’m listening to Fall Out Boy and typing on the laptop that my place of employment so generously acquired for me. The red line was express from Bryn Mawr to Sheridan. That was nice, it was quick. Kind of like the speed it should go all the time. If it weren’t for all the pesky stops it would be a much quicker commute on a regular basis.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about branding lately. I realize that the design of this site isn’t good enough. I’m using WordPress and a stock theme that I found. It’s pretty, but It’s not great. I am going to design my own. It will be a good exercise in learning PHP and js/ajax. I need to get better at web-coding for certain. Once I do I’ll dev a very simple content engine in php and go from there. It’s a little frustrating. I have all the pieces and architecture in my head. It’s not hard to build or implement. I just don’t have the faculty or experience with the interop between html, php, js/ajax, and mySQL to dash it out in a week. I’m going to need to do a lot of study and work, and I feel as though I don’t have time for it.

There never seems to be enough time for everything we want to do does there? We all have lots of responsibilities. And I value my projects and work, but I also will not overwork myself like Matthew. I’ve modeled him for years. He’s an inspiration, but part of taking someone else as a model is to determine the aspects of their behavior that you will find beneficial to you and model those, leaving the rest behind. I can’t find his habit of overworking admirable. I can’t run myself ragged the way he does, it seems anathema to me. He feels that trait is acceptable for the work he chooses to do. That’s not a sacrifice that I’m prepared to make.

I’m struggling right now, trying to figure out how to strike a healthy balance between all the things that I want to be doing with my time. I think I’ve got the conceptuality worked out. The primary issue remaining is implementing it. Which is of course far harder than coming up with the process itself. I tried this week to begin a slightly more planned lifestyle, because I know that better planning is what is going to help me get things done. Instead stress exploded me before the week even truly began. I spent Tuesday dealing with stress, yesterday trying to cope, and last night moving into acceptance of my situations. Today I’m fresh, but I slept in because I needed it badly.

I have been managing to do the first part of the grand concept. I’m keeping a log of the things that I do during the day. The time-wasters as well as the important stuff. Keeping track of it will help me look at patterns. It’s a lot of work, but I think it’s a good start to getting things to the place where I want them to be.