autumn twilight

Two days left before the big job switch. I work today, and tomorrow, and then I leave the corporation I’ve been at for nearly seven years. The new job is a good career move. It is more money, shorter commute, better hours, and will give me experience with a wider array of industry-standard software. But of course there is a great deal of nervousness in this change. What if all the new kids don’t like me? :’(

Okay, so I’m not too worried about being liked, but I look around and realize that my world is in a little bit of chaos. All of my friends are changing jobs, out of a job, looking for new jobs, or just starting new jobs. It makes me wonder what shift is going on in the universe right now. Is this something that is going on all over, or is it localized to communities like mine? Are these shifts new, or am I just more aware of them because they have a more immediate impact on my life?

I think a big piece of it has to do with the way I’m trying to live my life now. I tried being focused on myself, living alone and taking care of myself. I found that I don’t really like it that much. Now, I’m trying to build a family. I’m trying to bring that family closer to my heart and build a lasting community that can be home to us all. For the first time, I’m thinking about what it would take to buy a house big enough for all of us, or a house with extra rooms we could turn into bedrooms. Right now I count between six and eight members of my family who should be living together, all of us. And our family keeps growing.

We need a big house, possibly just a huge building with lots of space. We need high ceilings and hardwood floors. We need a garden, yard, and a really big hot tub. I mean big. We’re talking pool size jacuzzi here.

So I’ve been thinking a lot in the last few months, about paying attention to my life. What’s going on in it. Why are these things going on, or more importantly why are these things the things that I’m NOTICING going on. At any given time, everything that can be happening, is happening. It is our perceptions that determine which of those things we notice, and which of them impact us personally. There is a resonance between what is going on in our lives personally, and what we perceive is going on in the world around us. By taking advantage of this resonance, we can evaluate ourselves based on our environment.

When I’m at home, I look at the enormous pile of laundry on the floor of my closet, and I wonder, ‘What does dirty laundry represent?’ ‘Why haven’t I done the laundry?’ — I realize, after thinking for a few moments, that the clothing I wear is representative of the masks I wear. A big piece of my life right now is trying to get away from those masks and find out who I am underneath it all. That pile of discarded clothing is a reminder of the illusions that I am shedding as I try to find what the real me is. Of course, I need to do the laundry, getting away from masks or not. Doing the laundry is a reminder to carefully choose the masks I wear. What clothing I choose to adorn myself with is a statement of how I want to be perceived, and when I do the laundry I need to look at the clothes I have worn. Are these masks that I want to wear? Are they impressions I want to give? If not, then I need to let them go.

Speaking of clothing, I’m going to need a shopping trip to the outlet mall once I start the new job. I’ve put on weight over the summer, and until I lose a bunch of it, I’m a bit low on comfortable business-casual pants. And I need new shoes. At least a couple pair. My favorite pair of New Balance are so worn that they’re falling apart. There is a bit hole in the right one at the toe, and they are ratty and worn. But they are comfortable, kind of like so many bad habits I carry around with me from day to day. I know they’re worn thin and not very useful anymore, but they are comfortable. They make me feel at ease, and so I keep them around. But like bad habits, a time comes when I need to get a new pair of shoes and put the old ones aside.

So what does it say about me that I’m struggling to build this huge family? What does it say about me that I want to live with all these other people, that while I certainly enjoy my time to myself, I also crave the constant buzz of companionship my family gives me? I haven’t really thought about it yet. Perhaps it says that I need help. Perhaps it means that I am giving myself a way to get help when I need it, a support network that can be there for me when I break down and cry. Perhaps it says that I need people who are close to me, who will see my struggles and give me the strength I need. Perhaps it says that I’m learning to let people love me again, and that letting people get close to me is the best way for me to accept that.

Perhaps it says that I love my family and I want to keep them close where I can protect them. Perhaps it says nothing other than that I feel that communal living is the right way for me to live.