autumn twilight

Have you ever thought about the choices you make in your life? I do. Constantly. I wonder sometimes why I find myself alone in my bed at night. Why don’t I have someone to share my bed at night? Do I even want someone else in my bed more than once in a while? The last time I shared my bed on a consistent basis was when I was with my Ex-Girlfriend (who shall henceforth be referred to as she-who-shan’t-be-named). And that wasn’t all that great. I had company in bed, but I don’t recall finding peace or comfort in that bed.

Shivian asks me regularly why I haven’t gone out and found some hot Dominant guy to play with regularly. I don’t think I’ve ever given him an answer that satisfies. Sex isn’t about getting off to me. It’s about intimacy. It’s about connection, and yes, it’s about love.

Allow me to take a moment here. I use the word love a little differently than most people. Love is not a closed emotion that devotes you to one person in some sort of mystical connection. Love is far simpler, and it is this simplicity that causes us to misunderstand it so often. Love is simply connection. Love is honest connection between people. It has only two qualifications. One is honesty. Love requires honesty. The other is that love does not ask anything in return. Love does not demand reciprocation.

So with that clear, let me continue. To me, sex, and all that comes with it is always about love. It is about connection. So I ask myself, is this why I don’t just go around getting sex? The answer is no. I truly am polyamorous. I find that finding connection, finding love, is the least of my challenges.

A little back story. Approximately 30 seconds after I say the following sentence, “I miss playing with Daniel.” Shivian will say “You need to find another play partner.” We’ve had this conversation at least a dozen times. I inevitably follow up with “I’m considering it, I just don’t know what I want right now.” I’m not lying here, I really don’t know what I want.

To be clear, Daniel is a member of the Brotherhood of the Phoenix. I consider him a close friend and confidant. He is my mentor in more ways than one, and I value him dearly. He is also my sometimes paramour, by which I mean he enjoys tying me up and leaving bruises for the next day. Daniel and I are, by mutual consent, not currently being intimate in any of the usual sexual patterns. We have our reasons, and I’m not sure they’re fit for public consumption, trust that they are powerfully compelling and good reasons. That said, I do miss that particular flavor of sharing in our relationship. I look forward to a time when we choose to engage in a deepening of that portion of our relationship again.

So I do miss Daniel. But I am not holding on to him. I learned long ago that I can’t wait for people, when I do I find myself hurt and resentful. I’m not waiting for Daniel, and I’m not trying to be true to him, or some antiquated notion of sexuality. But I’m not being overly active in trying to find another person to leave marks on me either.

I suppose it’s fair to acknowledge some of the reasons for that. There are plenty. For one, there is a nagging voice inside of me that tells me I’m not sexually attractive to other people. I identify the pain that this voice causes me. I work to fight it, and I often succeed. But the truth is, I do not always believe that I am beautiful. I do not always feel worthy of intimacy, or love. In honesty, I feel strongly that trying to create a relationship while I fight this battle with myself is not fair to myself or anyone I may become involved with. As I mentioned, I don’t believe in monogamy, nor do I feel drawn to making sex more than it is, but I can’t share that part of myself without sharing love. And if I share love, I must be honest, and my honesty judges harshly.

And I wonder, is it hypocritical to preach love when I so often have trouble loving myself? Can I share love if I don’t have it for myself? I think I can. I think my family shows me that my love is true, and their love of me can not be questioned.

So other issues. I am painfully shy, in more ways than the usual. Some of those who know me will protest this to the end of the earth, but I must declare it’s truth. I can not be measured by my actions or successes, but by the challenges I personally face. I am a naturally shy person, I learned early in my life to draw gently away from human contact that is not assuredly safe. It is a constant struggle for me to override thes patterns, but I do, and so I appear to be the prodigal extrovert. As with so much in our society, but another mask I wear.

I am painfully shy, and I do mean painfully. My shyness hurts. It makes me lonely, it drains me to combat it, it urges me to hide away and let my sadnesses overtake me, and there are days when I give in to that gentle nothingness. The pain can overtake me in seconds, and I ride it, letting it pump through my veins until it has been exhausted. I can feel it drain away then, passing from me like an emotional urination.

And this, you see, makes my lack of self-love all the more difficult. For my shyness is ever more powerful when mingled with self-doubt or hatred, and that shyness can drive me to the silence of the void ever more quickly, and I shudder to confront that.

So here I am, sitting at my desk on Tuesday night letting the green text scroll up my screen (I use DarkRoom for Windows). And a part of me wants to share my bed with someone tonight, but a part of me values my solitude. There is a part of me that does not feel fit to share myself, if I can not love myself in the midst of that. Perhaps I am rationalizing so I don’t have to meet the challenges of my shyness. Perhaps I value my sorrow for the way it sets me apart, for the strength of self it lets me demonstrate, for continuing to survive.

Meh, whatever it is I’m no longer in the mood to write about it. Now I’m just horny. (Shivian sent me a hot picture of two really beautiful zombie-boys from Toronto which I’ve been staring at through the text {Love to DarkRoom transparency}, I’d post it but I’m not sure of the source, and I don’t like to infringe copyrights. I’ll see about posting it if I can.)

Update: Shivian saw the above and sent me the source. Take a look at it here ( http://wvs.topleftpixel.com/07/10/22/ ) It’s the second one from the top.