The Nature of Discipline
Ξ September 29th, 2007 | → | ∇ Friends, General, Philosophy |
I’m not the person you’d suspect of sitting down to write about discipline. Well, I might be, if you were talking about corporal punishment. Or the use of pain-inducing implements in the bedroom. But personal discipline? I’ve never had it.
If there’s money in my pocket, I spend it. If it’s something I don’t particularly want to do, I avoid it. I’m a procrastinator. But lately I’ve found that I’m having less trouble making my plans stick. My goals seem to be functional. I’m ‘Getting Things Done,’ to use the catch-phrase of the day.
So I look at the things that have been getting done. I cleaned my room on Monday, and it’s still clean. I mean, still absolutely spotless. The laundry is all hung, and the dirty stuff is in the laundry bag. This may seem very small, but it is not. First of all, I don’t finish things; secondly, I never keep things up more than a day or two. I’m just not like that. Shivian will be shocked as hell when he learns that the room has been clean almost a week. My car too, been clean over a week (well, there’s no trash on the floor anyway).
I’ve been writing. Prolifically. This is my sixth post in four days. And I’ve been writing in my journals too (the really juicy stuff ;). I’ve gotten projects done at work. I gave up soda-pop 8 days ago, and I haven’t given in yet.
I’ve been doing daily meditative and magical practice. I’ve been learning about myself.
So what has changed? Why on earth am I suddenly able to overcome my procrastination in these areas, and why doesn’t it feel like anything has changed? Ok, so it’s clear that something has changed, there is that whole ‘feeling free’ thing that I’ve been figuring out this week. The change isn’t across the board. I don’t find myself suddenly motivated to do some of the more unpleasant or boring tasks that I find on my desk. I procrastinate with them. I procrastinate gloriously. I am the king of procrastinators. I might one day invent a time machine so I can procrastinate more efficiently.
It’s clear that my patterns haven’t really changed. The difference, is that I find I really really really want to do these things. Badly. It’s suddenly important to me that I take the time to blog daily wherever possible. I feel good doing my devotions and magical exercises. I feel fulfilled when I write in my journals.
It’s not that I didn’t feel fulfilled by these behaviors in the past, but it’s as though there was some sort of non-impetus behind them. As though I would turn to them when I needed that feeling of fulfillment. I almost wonder if not doing the things I like to do (And I enjoy all these things immensely) is some sort of weird self-inflicted penance for a perceived failing. It’s as good a theory as any. If that’s so then, why don’t I feel guilty anymore? Is it because I realized that I can be myself and don’t have to let myself be judged? Is it because I recognize how special I am and feel that I deserve to be loved? (Now THAT’S a cheesy statement. WOW.)
Whatever it is, I’m curious about it, and I’ll be trying to figure it out as the days wear on. The moon has begun to wane, and this phase may slide with it. But I don’t think it will. It doesn’t feel like it will. If I keep this up for a whole moon cycle, just think what I can do next cycle!
