autumn twilight

On the el home from work. This week is dragging even more than the rest of the month is. It feels like it should be over already. If that weren’t enough I’ve got a crazy-painful crick in my neck that just doesn’t want to go away.

I’m wondering what’s in store for me in the next few weeks. I’m actually anticipating it. I don’t know what it is, but there is a positivity to the air that is pretty much incontrovertible. I can feel it waiting. I’m trying to prepare myself for it. Working on remembering and recording my dreams. On being more conscious throughout the day. The omens keep pointing at good things, at achievements. The tasks I was assigned are coming more quickly than I thought they would. I believe I have achieved one of them already. The other two are still ambiguous, but I have some ideas about what they are.

I have this feeling that I’m standing at a turning point every day right now. The choices that I make will make or break me for a while to come. I’m trying to make the right ones, and I don’t know that I am, but I’m doing the best I can. The spirits are helping, in their way. I may not be happy about their methods, but I don’t respond well to more gentle suggestions.

I’m noticing something interesting about what’s going on though. I’m not planning overmuch. I’m not being obsessive about how I’m going to do things or where they’re going to get me. I’m focusing on what I want and need right now, and releasing expectations of tomorrow. I have some plans, but they’re general, loose, and flexible. I don’t really feel afraid of what’s coming in the next few months or years. Normally, if I had all the shit that has happened in the last two weeks happen I’d be freaking out. I’d be filled with anxiety and practically paralyzed with it. But I’m not. I’m simply accepting what’s happened and moving on.

I’m not sure why I’m reacting differently. But I feel different about it all. I’m looking at how I’m interacting with the people around me, with my family. I’m spending less time as patriarch or leader, and more time as a friend and equal. I don’t know how anyone else feels about that, but it feels good to me. It feels organic, real.

I’m also trying to be a lot more genuine. I’m trying to laugh when I’m amused, and frown when I’m sad. I’m trying not to feign emotions that aren’t there just to give a reaction to the people around me. I’m trying to be genuine about my experiences, and figure out all of my reactions.

Strangely enough, this is all work that I’ve done in Mystery School. These are things that I’ve seen before, but I’ve always felt distant from them. I’m not 100% certain if it’s that I wasn’t ready for this, or if it’s that the structure I was given to put these things in simply felt hideously restrictive to me.

I’m changing more in weeks than I have in years. Maybe not my behaviors, but my processes. I’ve rearranged my room so that it no longer cowers but welcomes. I’m going to put some more energy towards that tonight I think. I’ve always been conscious of the idea that my living space reflects my life. It’s something that I’ve used as a way of helping things along one way or another for years now. Looking at my room today it feels messy. It feels a little jumbled. But it also feels lived in. It feels as though my life is actually alive. Perhaps I’m being dramatic, but it feels like I’ve got a chance at something new here, and I don’t want to fuck that up.

I may get up tomorrow and feel differently, but right now, It’s about the stories I’m meant to tell.