autumn twilight

It’s been several days since I posted. It’s getting late in the evening and I feel like I should have a lot to say. I think I have a lot to write. It feels like I’m congested. I have so much to say that I can’t pick a topic and let one thing come out.

I’m thinking about so many things at once that I don’t know where to start. Whenever someone has something to say, the appropriate advice to give is always to start at the beginning. But my mind is a gordian knot, no beginning or end in sight, just a mass of twisting interwoven threads that seem to cling to one another and resist all separation.

I’ve been spending some time in my head and on the computer beginning to build a Content Management System in PHP and mySQL. Why? Because I want to. Because I want to get a bunch of experience with php and mySQL and building a rock-solid simple CMS is a good way to do that. I might build one for rails and c# as well.

The database structure is kind of pretty. Although I have trouble with the concept of small. I’ve already written 34 create table statements for it. I’m pretty certain that that’s a decent set of tables for most of the essential stuff. But there will certainly be things that I overlooked. I’m probably looking at about 50 tables or more for my simple basic CMS.

Exciting. I’m trying to change the person I present myself to the world as. It’s not easy. The difficulty is that the person I’d like to present is introverted so he’s not easy to present in the first place. He’s also easily intimidated. He doesn’t stand up for himself or display authority. He’s an elitist, but sees himself as only an egg. On the other hand, I’ve built up this ego around myself that is almost none of those things. He’s confident, extroverted, and speaks with authority. He doesn’t back down on things of value and will stand up for himself whenever he needs to.

The problem is that he isn’t very real. He’s just a shell, a superficial husk that is containing me. Is it possible to let him die without losing some of the good things he’s worked for? Can I learn to portray myself confidently without the cool detachment he’s cultivated? Can I risk showing my heart to the world knowing that it could be abused?

These are questions that lots of people ask themselves, either consciously or unconsciously. How can I open up to people? they ask. Nobody really has the answers. It’s a game of patience and trial. You open up piece by piece. You say that you’re going to tell one person a little more about the real you. You start by telling yourself.

I realize that I’m not very different from everyone else who goes through this crisis, but I can’t help but feel different. Anyone searching for themselves knows that their situation is unique. There is nobody in the world who has this exactly the same way I do, so there is only so much advice I can get from the people around me. I think one of the things that really scares me is my submissive nature.

I like to submit. I like to let someone else take over and make the choices. I like relinquishing authority, and there is part of me that thinks if I let all of myself come to the surface, I will simply relinquish authority to anyone who asks it of me. And I don’t know that I won’t. It’s definitely the pattern that I followed as a child. All authority figures were to be obeyed. It was very simple and didn’t require much thought. Not that I didn’t think, just that it was easy to do what I was told, and that if someone intimidated me even a little it was pretty much over.

There is a part of me that believes that if I let go of the facade I’ll be at the mercy of just about everyone around me who displays any slight hint of dominance or commanding airs. Truth is, I know that I have a weakness there, and it is, even now, a constant balance of walking the tightrope. Giving into my instinct to follow the lead of those around me, or asserting my Will and independence. Just saying no is work for me. Particularly to people I respect, admire, find attractive, or love.

I’m falling asleep. More later…