autumn twilight

The last time I was here was quite awhile ago. It was either 2004 or 2005. It was IML. I was walking around the loop and stopped here for lunch. It wasn’t 2005. It may have been 2003. I remember getting a watery green curry dish with rice. It wasn’t anything special.

Like now, I was horny. I ordered the curry, not knowing that there were different types. I was remembering a curry that I had tasted at a Project Mercury movie night some months before. I know now that it was a panang curry. It’s still my favorite type.

Today I’ve ordered a panang noodle dish. It was quite tasty. I wandered around the city for a bit, looking for someplace to eat. I wanted to sit outside, but nothing with outdoor seating was readily available. I tried Bennigans, but the wait was long so I wound up here.

Food is a very important part of my life. Not just because I’m fat. I almost never feel guilty about eating, or even overeating. I enjoy food. It’s an experience for me. Not just eating, it, but the whole process. Growing up my family ate meals together. Dinner was the time of day where we all saw each other, no matter what else was going on. For most of my childhood eating dinner was one of those safe times.

Today food is still a refuge to me. I eat because it makes me feel good, safe, comforted. I go out to lunch or dinner with my friends and family because it’s a way of connecting. Of spending time together where we are each others focus and there is nothing to distract us. Out at a restaurant it’s especially nice, because there isn’t television or email to disturb us. We sit together at the table and enjoy company and food.

I’ve been trying to figure out why I like to eat as much as I do, sometimes to an unhealthy extent. Consciously, I know that I’m overeating, but it’s very hard for me to notice that I’m doing it until it’s too late. I don’t pay enough attention to it. When I start to eat I get wrapped up in the process, in the experience. I don’t stop to think about what I’m eating until after the meal is done.

I’m getting better at realizing before I’m overfull, but it’s not easy at all. It’s a constant challenge. I realized today that one of the reasons I make a point of leaving the office to go out to eat every day is that I need the break. I need that time away from my desk, away from my office and my coworkers just to recoup. I’m naturally an introvert. Spending the entire day surrounded by people isn’t easy for me. The discomfort of ordinary office environments and horrid flourescent lighting doesn’t make it any easier. Lunchtime is my time to go inside and ignore the world for a little while, and I value it.

I noticed today, that often when I go out to lunch, I’m not even really very hungry. I’m going out to eat just to get out, not really because I’m hungry or want anything to eat. Now that the weather is nicer I’m going to try just getting out and not going for food. I’m close to several parks, and a few museums. Maybe I’ll take my lunch break and hit up the museum of modern photography.