autumn twilight

On the el going home from work. It’s just shy of 9:00. The red line is about to stop running underground. I think I caught the last train. Lucky me.

I’m restless. I want some time to myself, and I won’t really get any until the weekend. I’ll have time at work I suppose, but it doesn’t seem like enough.

I think I need to take a day to meditate, just myself and the Spirit World. I feel like I’m dancing on a tight-rope, barely keeping my balance from one moment to the next. I haven’t fallen yet, but my survival is tenuous. I feel as though I could tumble at any moment, and I never learned how to fall well.

Who will be there to catch me?

—

I’ve asked myself the same question over and over lately. “Do I deserve to be happy?” “Do I deserve the gifts I’ve been given?” I always answer no. There is nothing special about me that makes me somehow more worthy of happiness than anyone else. I am not especially worthy of the gifts that I posses. I do not have great faith, or limitless patience. I am not pure of heart or mind. I am not Galahad, nor even Lancelot. I don’t feel as though any of that has changed, but I’m starting to rethink my idea of ‘deserving.’ I deserve what happiness I can win for myself. I’m not sure how this applies to my various talents, or if it changes the way I think of them at all. I do find myself more grateful today than last week. More grateful for life, for the blessings in my life.