Letting go of the Past; Pondering the Future
Ξ April 21st, 2008 | → | ∇ General, Kink, Philosophy |
The world doesn’t often forget things. Neither do I.
I feel better today. Much better than last night. By the time I finally slept last night I had forgiven many people for the harm they’ve done me. I realize that cutting those debts free is a big part of being free to do what I need to do in this life. It’s not all of it, but part of it.
I spoke with Debbie (my ex) today too, via IM. It seems my issues have been spilling over her the past several days. The cards tell me I needed to have that chat. Thus I have. We cleared the proverbial air, and I told her that she’d hurt me. I was honest with my feelings of betrayal. It’s hard. So much of me is lost to the beauty of compassion, that I forget to be compassionate to myself. I’ve spent so long sparing other people pain that I never stop to spare myself.
I find myself wondering though, what indefinable essence is it that I know instinctively Debbie will never have, but Daniel does? It’s something energetic but not only. It radiates from him, from his skin. It’s not just power, although that’s part of it. He reeks of it. Part of Daniel’s allure is that even when he’s having issues, he never pretends to be something he isn’t. He is always uniquely Daniel.
Maybe I’ll figure it out in time. Maybe it will never be defined, as these things sometimes aren’t meant to be explained.
But there is that conflict between the explicit world and the implicit world again. For all my skill with words I can not find a way to explain it that makes sense. The simple truth is that the explicit behaviors of Dominance and Submission are nothing but an act without the implicit truth that lies beneath them.
For some reason, I can talk with Daniel and be completely myself, sarcastic as I am, and treat him as an absolute equal. Yet underneath, the power dynamic is there. It is there without any props or structures to support it. Daniel’s dominance simply is, just as my submission simply is. There is never any doubt of it, or of how that dynamic must be obeyed by us both.
I think that’s part of where Daniel and I have struggled. We both sense the dynamic, we both recognize and acknowledge it, and I think we both want to heed it’s call, but I’m not sure either of us truly knows how. It’s going to take trial and error, and frustration, and annoyance, and sometimes some very annoyed discussions. I’m willing to work for it, I think Daniel is as well. — Of course, I should probably tell him that.
