Full Moon
Ξ April 20th, 2008 | → | ∇ General, Paganism |
It’s late. The full moon is lighting my room through the window. I can see her above me, light scattered in four directions by the screen outside the window.
I feel her pull, her influence on me. I feel drawn to that light. I open myself to be filled and I blossom. The light pours into me and out of me, as though I am a full cup, spilling into the room and across the floor.
I feel ecstatic for moments, but also I feel dismayed. I feel scared tonight. Something has changed. Something big, something real. I turn 28 in a couple weeks. It’s snuck up on me. Tonight is the final full moon of my 28th year on earth. It’s a completion of a cycle of some sort. Some sort of death looms.
I’m not afraid of death. I see it as change. But sometimes I am afraid of change. Change can lead to places that I would rather not go. It can lead to more pain, to mistrust and sorrow. I do not want more sorrow in my life. But change is inevitable. The ogham tells me that I am at cusp. There is a precious balance that I am poised upon. Where will I go from here? Who will I be when I wake up tomorrow?
Gwydion showed me Yew, Death. Then he showed me Blackthorn, Straif (strife). I am in for a struggle. For heartache and challenge. For once in my life, I don’t feel up to the challenge. Not tonight. Not even with the full moon shining down on me. I feel unworthy of her light, a servant in name but not in deed.
I weep, there is yet more strife ahead. I want to be confident that I will face it and be the better for it, but I’m not.
I heard somewhere that courage is not being fearless but acting in spite of fear. Perhaps that applies here. Perhaps it’s a meaningless platitude. It’s comforting though.
I have work to do.
