I haven’t written a post in quite a while. I’ve tried a few times. It just hasn’t seemed meaningful. Tonight feels a little different.
I’ve been having a lot of trouble focusing lately. Focusing on anything that’s going on in my life. Focusing on work, or play, or spiritual matters. All of it feels a bit out of sync with reality. It’s like I’m living behind a curtain of gauze and everything is just a bit removed. I just seem sort of apathetic about most of the things in my life. And the things that I feel strongly about seem to be really distant, like I’m not really connected.
My training, experience, and instinct all tell me that I need to get myself centered, grounded really well. That I’m feeling a disconnect between my self and my interaction with the world around me. But I can’t seem to care all that much. Some others I know have described similar experiences lately, similar apathies and failures to connect. I don’t like it, but I can’t really seem to make up my mind to do something about it for more than a few minutes at a time.
It’s very frustrating.
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The room is as dark as I can get it without blackout curtains, and I like it that way. Everything seems a bit surreal in the shadows around me, like I’m sitting in the void of potentiality. The void is a bit more formless than this, but the mood is almost right.
My thoughts are starting to scatter now, down a dozen or so roads. I’ve been taking karate for a little over a month. I like it. It’s the only tie lately that I’ve felt really connected to my body. I kind of wonder if the strong reality of that connection is part of what’s casting the rest of my perception into softer light. I’m having a little trouble with my right ankle again, and now with the top of my foot when I walk. I’m worried I may need to go get it examined by a Doctor. I’m going to try and work on it myself and get Georges help for a while, unless it gets worse. We’ll see how that goes and take it from there.
I’m in a bitter enough mood that I’m wondering if it all means anything. What’s the point of any of it? Of trying to be the best I can, of living a meaningful life? Of setting challenging goals and achieving them? I’m doubting my committment to serving my community. In the last couple years I’ve seen too many people abuse their authority, go on power trips, scheme, and cause chaos in the ranks of their respective groups to believe that any of us are really different.
Are we all destined to become tyrants? Can I avoid pettiness and my own desires enough to truly do what’s best for the people around me? Is anyone really that selfless?
Winter is coming. Not just for the earth, but for me. I was talking with Shivian today about just this. I feel very alone a great deal of the time. I feel naive and silly because I can’t for the life of me understand the things that people do. All the hate and fear thrown around on a daily basis confuses me. I kind of want to write a whole lot about that, but I think it would get boring very quickly, even for me.
But truth be told, I just don’t understand. I don’t understand why people are so mean to each other. Don’t get me wrong, I have a serious sadistic streak, and I make my share of cutting remarks, but I never do so from a place of malice. The thought that something I say might actually hurt someone is abhorrent.
I don’t understand why two men getting married is something to be afraid of. I know I’m not alone in this, but I just can not come to see how it makes sense.
I’m 28 years old. I’ve seen and done things that most people would find shocking. I’ve studied more types of magic and paranormal theory than I like to admit, and practiced a great deal of what I’ve studied. My sexual fantasies have ranged from the sensual, to the violent, to the disturbing since early childhood. I’m smart, reasonably well read, and I keep up with the news to the best of my ability.
I’m not a child, but I feel like one a great deal of the time. I feel like a young man who is faced with a world that does not operate under any of the rules he understands. I feel as though this world does not value my ideals or principles, and as though it would rather see them crushed than realized.
I don’t understand how someone can write “You’re right, that’s the way it should be, but let’s do it this other way because it’s not that way.” I don’t understand someone who can see fundamental problems and just accept them as what is.
I feel like the tears that I shed for the hated, for the scorned and shunned, are poor recompense for their legacy.
Suffering is the forge at which the soul is tempered. I understand that. Agony is a part of the life I’ve chosen. What I don’t understand is why there seems to be an over-abundance of people dedicated to being hammers, coals, and bellows.