Sometimes the Gods are quiet.
Other times they are loud.
Often times they are somewhere in between.
When they are bossy, it is best to listen, but the wisdom of obedience is not always in our nature.
And so it is for me. Obedience is one of my core values, but it is an ideal to which I aspire, not one I excel at. My Gods have indicated to me, via a variety of methods, that I need to find a healthier more sustainable lifestyle. More accurately they’ve BEEN indicating it for several years now. What began as subtle encouragement grew into less subtle encouragement, and then into warnings and commands and calls to obedience. And over and over again I made small efforts. Tokens of obedience that would not even get them on a bus.
It’s not that I didn’t want to take their advice. Honestly, it’s not JUST that it’s easier to eat crap and laze about all day. It’s that I didn’t have, as a friend who was channeling once told me, “the courage to act.” The fear in question here isn’t fear of change. I welcome the change. It is the fear of responsibility. In order to act to make the changes I need, I have to accept that I am responsible for all the choices that led me here. I have to be willing to see those choices as a pattern and understand why I made them and learn to make better, healthier choices.
Changing my lifestyle isn’t about going to the gym or eating less frozen pizza. Those are some of the obvious, explicit results of the real work. The real work is invisible to the naked eye. In order to make real, lasting change, I need to transform the internal patterns that create the disorders I’m trying to resolve. And that is where courage comes in. Humans are dumb. We create demons for ourselves as naturally as we breathe, and besting those demons requires that we access the core of who we are. And facing both the demons, and the core truth of ourselves, is fucking scary.
But it can be rewarding. I’ve learned a lot. Mostly I learned how much more I have to learn. I discovered that my psyche is riddled with shame and anxiety and loathing. Far more than I knew was there. I’ve also discovered that a battle scarred psyche can still nurture orchards that bloom and bear fruit. I’ve found that I had absolutely no idea how strong I am inside, or how much that strength undermines me. I’ve found that counter to my expectation, I am absolutely full of and capable of feeling and expressing love for myself and the people around me. But I’ve also found that I have practically no idea how to go about it. I’ve learned that my resources are wasted on surviving when I could be thriving.
And knowing these things gives me a much deeper understanding of why that courage was so elusive. Why is it so hard to simply give in and obey? It turns out there are many reasons. The most obvious is that obedience that is not hard-won is worth little. This is why sovreignty is so crucial to my understanding of obedience.
Leaving the obvious alone for the moment though, there is a more important reason. Obedience on faith changes the explicit world and relies upon those changes to transform the implicit. It is not the obedience that my Gods demand, it is the transformation. And my struggle with obedience hastens the implicit resolution. It forces me to observe, evaluate, and analyze what lies within my explicit behavior. It is painful and challenging and frightening, but it brings me closer to Apotheosis in a way that simply following orders does not.
And I think my Gods like the challenge. If they wanted a puppet they would not have come to me.